And the deaf hear

For the past few years now, I haven't been able to 

understand church services due to my declining speech 

discrimination/hearing loss. Just yesterday, I was asking 

God, "What is the point in going to church? I  can't       

understand anything anymore." I just sit, growing 

increasingly frustrated, feeling like I could be using my 

time better at home. 



Last week, the service was about how hearing is the most 

effective way to take in information. And, I was thinking, 

"Well, isn't that a slap in the face?" This week, I went, 

but had my "loop" and microphone. Husband asked the 

priest to please put on the microphone for me, 

explaining that I would be able to hear and understand 

him better with it. And, he happily agreed.



Service started. He began talking. And, I began to cry. 

I could understand what he was saying. It was clear. 

His message? About JOY. About how the blind 

will see, how the deaf will hear. I had tears of joy 

streaming down my face today. God used that loop 

to allow me to hear again!



God answered my prayers today.........................

and I was able to hear.

My Lord is amazing! 



"The blind receive their sight, and the lame walk, the 

lepers are cleansed,and the deaf hear, the dead are 

raised up, and and the poor have the gospel preached 

to them"  Mathew 11:5


"Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the 

ears of the deaf unstopped."

Isaiah 35:5

From HOH To Being Deaf

Over the past three or four years, I could tell that my 
hearing aids were growing weak. I was struggling to 
hear my family members, but I thought, the hearing aids 
still work, so I'll just hang on to them until they quit 
working altogether. And, it happened. One hearing aid 
quit working right while we were in the middle of packing 
and moving out of our house. We move out of our house, 
move into another, and get settled in. 

So, I go to the the audiologist, take the audio-gram.
Order hearing aids, molds, and go on my marry way
thinking that I'll be able to hear just fine once I get 
the new hearing aids. Wrong.

While I'm waiting for my new aids to arrive, I compare 
an old audio-gram to the most recent one that I had 
taken just a few days earlier. Upon looking at my 
test results, I see that something is very wrong. 
I consult with someone online, and they confirm my fears. 
I have lost 50% more hearing in both ears. Or rather, 
I have lost 50% of my capacity to discriminate spoken words. 
I now only have a 20% speech threshold in my right ear, 
and about a 42% threshold in my left ear. And, that is 
in a quiet environment. I have basically gone from being
hard of hearing, to being deaf. 

I am in disbelief. How? I'm already hard of hearing, how 
could I lose more? I was naive to think that the hearing 
that I did have would always stay. It hadn't changed for 
nearly 40 years. So, I had no reason to think otherwise. 

I began to panic. I began to think about all the folks that
I felt bad for because they had lost their hearing later in life.
I always felt that I was blessed in that way. I have always
been hard of hearing. So, I never had to go through the grief
of losing something that once was a vital part of myself. 
Until now. Now, I worried. Wondering what I was going to do.

How would I homeschool the kids? How does my husband
feel about me losing more hearing? Will it get worse?
Will I be isolated even more?  

I began to research CI's. (Cochlear Implants)
After just an hour or so, I could see that it wasn't the
right choice for me. The idea of having my ear cut away 
from my head, then re-sewn over a metal object, made me
feel just a bit queasy. I also wasn't too keen with the idea 
of having two holes drilled into my skull. Add to that, 
the fact that cell phones can interfere with the CI's. And if I 
ever need an MRI (and I have in the past), it will be an auditory
hell! So, while they may be great for some folks, they are just
not my kind of thing.  

So, where does that leave me? Well, I can feel sorry for myself. 
Yes, I'm scared. It is likely that I'll lose even more in the future. 
But, I don't have to let it ruin my life. I can be pro-active about it. 
What does that mean? It means that before, I had toyed with the 
idea of teaching my children ASL, and now, I order some ASL 
(American Sign Language) books. It means that it will have to 
be a family affair to learn sign language. It means, that in order 
to continue homeschooling my children, we'll need to make 
a few adjustments. It also means that we'll have to learn 
more patience, and be more loving and caring. That is what 
being pro-active looks like.

Will the journey get harder? Very likely. But, I'll just have
to be more humble, ask for extra help, surround myself 
with more friends and family (this is my biggest challenge), 
and try harder at life. And, a sense of humor. Anything is 
easier to handle with a sense of humor!

And, truth be told, I am still very happy! I still have my
family, and they love me. And, I know God has a plan for me.
For this. I trust Him because I know that He loves me too. 

     

If Church Came To Life

I'm deaf/hard of hearing. 
I usually go to church on Sunday with my husband and children.
We go to Catholic church.
When we go, I cannot understand the priest. 
So, my eyes tend to wander, as does my mind. 
I love things that stimulate my eyes.
I love color, light, and texture.
And, today, while sitting in church, I began to think about how wonderful 
it would be if church could really come to life. 

Wouldn't it be incredible if, when the organ played, each note would 
produce a different color? The deeper the note, the deeper the hue of 
the color that it produced. The softest notes would be pastel, and almost
invisible. The colors would float down softly and eventually vanish like fog.

And, the pictures in stained glass. Wouldn't it be marvelous if they would
come alive and move in the windows? They would glitter with the sun 
shining through them as they moved. We could watch the Last Supper 
come to life, and see Jesus going up to Heaven. 

And the priest. I wish that he had a special microphone that would let the words
he spoke be spelled out from his lips in mid-air. Every single word would 
come tumbling out of his mouth in various bold colors. And, it wouldn't 
matter if you could hear him or not, because the words would be visible 
and linger in the air.

I wish that when it was time to say, "Peace be with you", and shake hands 
with my neighbors in the pews, that when our hands came together, there
was an instant connection, an electric charge, something that would help
us instantly understand each other better. 

I wish that when we touched the holy water and put it to our head, chest,
and shoulders to make the sign of the cross, that it would immediately 
cleanse away our fears, worries, grief, pain, and the sin we've been 
harboring in our hearts. I wish those few drops of water could truly 
make our hearts clean.

I imagine that if church could be like this, more people would come
a whole lot more often. I know I would. On earth we only have 
ordinary church with ordinary services. But, I know that someday,
when I go Home, I'll witness something that is most extraordinary!  

God's Deaf Child

I am a Christian. 
I love God. Deeply. 
I go to church most Sundays.
And, I don't understand a word. 
I'm deaf. 

My husband is Catholic, so we go to Catholic church.
They do have what is called a missal, a book that has in it
the Bible verses that will be read that day, and part of 
what the priest will discuss. It helps. But not very much.
It is hard to lip read the priest because he stands so far
away. Even from the very front pew, there is too much space
between him and I. And I soon grow tired from reading his lips.

Instead, I sit in church, staring at the ornate statues, 
the stations of the cross, and the brightly colored stained
glass windows. Sometimes, I just fold my hands and look at them.

I've tried praying while in church, but I can still hear some noise, 
and it is enough to distract me. 

I think that my husband and I are both selfish. 
I think that he is selfish because he wants me to attend Catholic 
church because that is what he has done all of his life. I want to 
go someplace that will stimulate my senses since that is how 
I learn best. But I know not where to go. Sometimes, he has 
suggested that we could go somewhere else, but I know it 
wouldn't be permanent, because if it were, it would likely nearly 
break his heart. 

But, it's like I once told him: Sometimes, for me, going to 
church is the equivalent of taking a blind person to a 
silent movie. Neither of us will get anything out of it. 
And, for both of us, it would be a waste of our time.  

I think that I'm selfish because I don't want to attend church 
due to lack of understanding, yet Christ died on a cross for me.   
Or rather, I do want to attend church, but I'd like to be able 
to understand it, be inspired, and be spiritually fed. 
So, I see: I don't want to sit in a church for an hour without 
gaining anything, but a man died for my own sins. Yeah, there 
is no guilt there. But, I also don't want to waste time. I gain 
more out of reading my Bible, devotionals, and journaling for 
an hour then I do sitting in church for the same amount of time. 
I even tried taking my Bible, journal, and devotionals to church
with me and doing them there, but I felt bad. Guilty. 
It was like being in history class, but reading a book for 
literature class. 

This issue has tormented me for the past 16 years.
And, I don't think that I'm any closer to gaining an answer today
then I was then. 

Some folks have suggested that I ask the church to be looped 
in order to work with my hearing aids. But, that is expensive and 
I couldn't ask them to do that when I know we'll be moving again.
Some folks have suggested a sign language interpreter, but there
are none in the churches we've attended. 

One person did make a good point. They suggested that I go
in order to set a good example for our children. To show them 
that even when it isn't always easy to go to church, we should
still go. This way they learn that going to church is important.
I think this is an excellent point, I just don't know if it's enough
to keep me going back to sit for an hour doing nothing, 
gaining nothing.

I think that if I had my way, I'd hold church in my house.
A few other couples (no more then three couples total)
could come to our home, and we could all worship together.
It would be small, personal, up close for easier lip reading,
no echoes, no babies crying in the background, no sense of
frustration from not understanding the message. Just a small
group of people reading the Bible, sharing their thoughts, 
helping each other understand the word, and sharing their
love for Christ. I wish it were that easy. But for various
reasons, it will likely never happen. So, I continue on 
my search for an answer. 

Maybe some day soon, God will open my eyes, and my husband's
eyes, and show us a way to worship Him together. Because in 
the end, that's all I want. I want us both to be able to understand, 
worship, and to be spiritually fed together.  

The Cleansing of Grief

This December will be the 3rd year anniversary of my mom's passing.
(You can read about that journey in my earliest blog posts.)
I have since discovered that grief is a form of cleansing if you
will allow it to do so.

I was arguing with my oldest this morning about the fact that he
is striving for the impossible.......perfection. How it is not attainable.
And, how, when he asks for advice, every answer I give is the wrong answer.
It will always be the wrong answer because he wants the perfect answer.
We went on arguing for about an hour. When it was over, I sat down
and reflected about the exchange of words that had occurred between us.
Nothing serious, just two stubborn people going round in circles.
My son reflects my pride so well that it makes me cringe.
At least that is how it used to be.

Before my mom passed away, I was so filled with passion.....but the
wrong kind. The kind that slowly grows and makes a soul ugly from the
inside out. The kind of passion that will choke a person's spirit.
Pride. Arrogance. Stubbornness. Envy. Haughty. Narrow mindedness.
Argumentative. I had it all. I was it all. And, I wouldn't listen to anyone,
because I thought I already knew it all. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that I
even have a husband who loves me as much as he does.

My heart also contained love, but it was being choked out by all
the other nasty things that grew rampant in my heart.
And, then, my mom died.

A garden. There were a few flowers. Beautiful flowers.
They were called Love, Kindness and Compassion.
But they were far and few between.
The rest was all overrun with weeds.
Big, deep, winding, twisting weeds.
They were called Pride, Arrogance, Stubbornness, Envy,
Bitterness, Anger, and Resentment. They crawled, and snaked
into the garden. They had choked out the good that once
bloomed everywhere.

Then she died. And, everything in the garden died with her.
At least that is how it felt.

And, the garden was stripped bare.
Everything. Gone. Love, Pride, Envy, Arrogance, Stubbornness,
Kindness and Compassion.........all gone. Only dust was left.
The garden was bare. Empty.

My soul had been shaken inside-out. Cleansed. Scrubbed. Put through the wringer.
But, it was clean. Of everything. The grief had done a good job of cleansing me and
leaving me on my knees. But, I was clean. The garden cleared.

Then, new dirt was laid. A second chance.
A fresh start. A chance to plant new seeds. Carefully.
So, as to not plant the same weeds twice.

So, new seeds have been planted. Sowed deep in the fertile ground.
Love. Kindness. Compassion. Patience. More Love. Humility.
Empathy. Servitude. And, still, even more Love.

It's a fresh start. Small. But, new. And, for the first time in ages,
I can look inside myself, inside my heart, and I don't hate what I see.
I don't hate who I see. Not too long ago, I'd look at myself, and I used
to cringe at the sight of myself. I didn't like what I saw, but I didn't
realize that what I saw was caused by who I had become. I was too
full of myself, and too arrogant to see it at the time.

But, not today. Today, I strive for something different. Something better.
I strive for humility and for love. And, I think that when those two things
are achieved, everything else that is good will follow. I know that the weeds
will still crop up. But, I won't let them overrun my heart and take over.
And, I believe that prayer will help with that. Prayer to ask for wisdom
and understanding. To ask for forgiveness. To ask for positive change.

Today, I saw myself reflected back to me through my son.
My hope for him is that he is a faster learner then I. That he will
learn to prune his heart, and not let the weeds choke his spirit as
I had once done. I hope that he won't let this old world contaminate
what is good inside his soul. Won't let them harden his heart.
I hope that he will recognize the changes I've made and imitate
those changes, instead of imitating who I used to be. I pray that
his heart will always be a garden filled with wonderful flowers
and that it will never be choked out by the weeds. And, I hope that
the next time I see my reflection in the words that he speaks,
that I'll love what I see.

"Love suffers long and is kind; 
love does not envy; 
love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 
does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, 
is not provoked, thinks no evil; 
does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails."
       1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NKJV)

Our Kind of Crazy

"STOP! It's RED!"
"Why are you stopping at a green light?"
"Oh, my gosh! You almost got us killed!"
"Honey, I reminded you of that yesterday........three times."

God is crazy. He has an uncanny sense of humor.
How should I know? Because of my marriage to my husband.
My husband has ADD, and any trip in the car with him is a heart pounding
adventure to say the least. I do try my best to keep my mouth closed while he
is driving. But, sometimes, he still manages to become distracted. SQUIRREL!
I've learned to roll with his ADD more easily now. But, it wasn't always that way.

A few years ago, I would lose my temper....... a lot. I just couldn't understand how
anyone could forget so much stuff so easily. It drove. me. nuts! I thought he was
being insensitive, that he didn't care, that he was playing mind games with me
just to be cruel. But, I know my husband, and that didn't seem right either.

But, then, after homeschooling our second child for a few years,
I began to see the same traits in him that I noticed in my husband.
And, after talking to my husband and asking him a few questions, it then
became quite obvious that he and our son both have ADD/ADHD.

Since figuring this out, I am more patient with them both. And, it is easier
for me to help them from day to day.

Now, as I mentioned above...........God has a crazy sense of humor.
The ADD/ADHD is not funny in itself, nor is any "disability".
But, when you combine the right kind crazy in a loving marriage,
it makes for an interesting family relationship!

And, this is what you get: 2 ADD/ADHD individuals + 1 deaf/HOH person =
CRAZY! So, my husband and son can't remember half of what I tell them,
and I can't hear half of what they tell me! It amazes me that anything gets
accomplished around here! It also amazes me that the only two "normal"
individuals in the family haven't thrown in the towel on us and run away from home.
At least not yet........they're both under the age of 15. Thankfully! (Besides, one
of the "normal" children is asthmatic. So, he has his own set of issues. But, he
is the only one that can remember anything around here......so we need him!)

But, there is a lesson to be learned in all of this: patience.
Our broken-ness has forced us to learn to be more patient with each other.
It has forced us to slow down, to be more loving, kind, and understanding.
To have empathy for one another, and to be more willing to help when
one is struggling.

I now see our family very much like a puzzle. And, we're all one piece of
that puzzle. Therefore, we all need each other, to help each other in order
to complete the puzzle that we call our family.

I wish we didn't have ADD/ADHD, deafness, or asthma in our family,
but if it teaches us to grow in love, and to become better human beings....
to be more like Christ.........then maybe it is worth it. And, maybe,
though it isn't what we would choose, it is a gift to teach us lessons from the Lord.
To teach us to be more like Him.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
       "Two are better than one, 
because they have a good return for their labor:
if either of them falls down, 
one can help the other up."

What would you choose?

Today, I'm excited and a little stressed out all at once.
Why? You ask. Because today is the day that I place an order for new hearing aids.
Narrowing down the brand and type was fairly easy considering my type of
hearing loss.

The thing that I'm struggling with is the COLOR. Yes, I'm having more difficulty
choosing which color I want then which aid I need to buy. For the past 35 years
of my life, I have only worn ONE color. Beige. Bland, matches-absolutely-no-
skin-color-of-anyone-on-this earth, beige.
So, the excitement at the chance to have new colors is a bit intoxicating.
You probably think I'm over reacting. It's just color, right? Think I'm crazy?

Let me put it to you this way: What if your entire life you only had vanilla ice-cream.
You were grateful for the vanilla ice-cream. But then one day, they came out with
strawberry, mint chocolate chip, and butter pecan! And, you could ONLY have
ONE flavor for the next 5 to 7 years. Oh, the agony! Which would you choose?
That is where I'm at right now.

I really wanted hot pink; but alas that is not an option. My choices are
red, transparent purple, and transparent blue. They're all good options.
I'm just not sure which to choose. And, I don't know if I want both of the
hearing aids to be the same color. Or if I want each aid to be a different color.
Oh, the possibilities!

I really want my hearing aids to "pop!". If you've never worn hearing aids,
let me tell you: just because a person has hearing aids, doesn't mean that their
hearing is perfect. It isn't like buying a pair of glasses and having perfect vision.
I still won't hear people as well as I could if I had "normal" hearing.
Having said that, I want bold colored hearing aids. So when I don't
hear the woman speaking behind me, asking me to move out of her way
so that she can reach for that jar of pickles that I'm blocking, she may see
my bold colored aids and realize that I'm not being rude, but that I am unable
to hear her.

So, it's a tough decision! The only easy part is choosing the color that I want
for the ear molds (the part that fits inside the ear). The ear molds come in a
variety of colors as well. But, they will be changed about every 2 years.
And, they can come in any color! Even three colors swirled together!
With glitter! But, because they will be changed about every two years,
the commitment isn't as intense.

I am leaning toward purple aids with hot pink glittery molds.
The color and shine will hopefully stand out and be noticeable.
So maybe, next time I'm blocking someone trying to reach for a
box of cereal on the shelf in front of me, they'll see my aids and
bear with me, instead of giving me a scowl for not stepping aside.

Here is to new hearing aids! Hoping that they'll improve the quality of my
life, and save the sanity of those who must live with me, love me,
and be around me!
 

Birthday Grief

Today is just a bad day. 
It has really knocked me down. 
It's her birthday. 
She would have been 65 years old today. 

I had a plan. 
Go to the local college to watch a Native American music performance.
But, the family didn't really want to go. 
So, now I'm sitting here, without a plan, and the pain just keeps sinking 
in deeper and deeper.
It just hurts more and more. 
There is no running from it. 
No avoiding it. 

I've considered walking over to a local bar to drown out the pain. 
Just to numb the pain. 
Maybe find some relief.
Maybe have a drink in Her memory on Her birthday. 
The rest would just be to ease the pain. 

I'm surprised it still hurts. 
Then again, maybe I'm not. 
That's why I had a plan to get through the evening.  
But, then it kind of fell through.
It's my own fault. 
I asked the family if they wanted to go because they all looked 
less then enthusiastic about the idea. 
I thought that Husband would understand why I wanted to go, 
but he didn't. 
I didn't think that I had to spell it out. 
But, I should have. 
I should have made them go. 
But, I didn't.

So, now, I'm stuck. 
Stuck in grief. 
Trying to figure out how to wade through the rest of this evening
without completely breaking.
But, that's just it.
What to do. 
I don't have any close friends I could call on. 
Otherwise, I'd tell them to meet me somewhere.
Husband doesn't seem to quite understand. 
So, I'm sitting. 
Thinking. 
Trying to figure it out. 

I don't want to let the evening be a total waste. 
But, I just don't know what to do. 
Other then go walk over to the local bar. 
Maybe I will. 
But, maybe I'll just have one drink to Her on Her birthday.  
Or, maybe I'll just stay home and do some crafts I've been wanting
to do. 
And, then have that drink. 

Either way, I need to have better plans for the tough times. 
And, I've got more coming my way. 
Thanksgiving.
The 3 year anniversary of her death.
Then, two weeks later is Christmas. 
Yes, I definitely need better plans!
I need to make better plans that will stick. 

Maybe tonight would be the perfect time to begin 
thinking about what kind of plans to make. 
Maybe that would help. 

I don't know.
Either way, I know I'll get through this night.
Somehow. 
Some way. 
I just need to re-direct my focus.
From grief to something positive. 
I just need to think positive. 
Positive. 

Heaven on Layaway

The other day, Oldest Son was talking to me about how he was surprised that there
are people who actually worship Satan, and that there are people who would
rather have temporary earthly pleasures rather then the Heavenly ones that
await us upon our arrival to the Pearly Gates. But, isn't it just like us humans
to want what we want, and to want it right now?

I think that Heaven is much like putting something into layaway.
When you put something into layaway, you take your chosen item(s) to the
layaway counter, they tag the item with a number, and hold it in the back
of the store. In the meantime, you make payments on the item(s) until it
is fully paid for, at which time you may take your item(s) home with you.
Heaven, in many ways, is like that.

When we store our treasures in Heaven, we are laying them away for a later
date. A lifetime later. And, this can be a challenge. Because, unlike our earthly
purchases, we don't get to see the heavenly treasures first. We don't get to touch
and feel them. We can't pick what we want off a rack, hand it to a clerk, and
watch her put it in the back room. However, we are given a number,
we just don't know when we will be turning it in.

We don't get to see the room or house that the Lord is building for us either. It's like
hiring a contractor to build you a house, but you don't get to see it until it is finished.

And, our treasures in Heaven aren't paid for with cash. But, with blood and
sacrifice. Jesus' blood. And, the sacrifices we make here on earth.

We know there is something better awaiting us on the other side, but it
can be hard sometimes to make investments when we can't even see
our progress. Sometimes it feels like it is in vain. But, God tells us that it is not.
He tells us to keep going. To keep doing. Because someday, we will reap the
rewards. We only need to keep putting it away and to wait.

Colossians 3:23-24~ "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not
for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.
You are serving the Lord Christ."

Galatians 6:9~ "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season
we will reap, if we do not give up."

Mathew 6:33~ "But seek first the kingdom of God and His rightousness,
and all these things will be added to you."

Hebrews 13:16~ "Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have,
for such sacrifices are pleasing to God."

Not Making Friends

I recently read a post by a hard of hearing woman who shared her frustration
about not being able to make friends. She has many acquaintances, but no true-blue,
have-your-back anytime, kind of friends. I share her frustration. And like her, I've
searched deep within myself, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
I'm not so sure that there is anything wrong with me besides being different.
I think that it is really several things working at once.

First, I'm hard of hearing; I'm not deaf, so I don't experience the close knit
friendships that are within the deaf community. So, I don't have deaf friends.
I'm also not a hearing person. Though, I do try to "fit in" the hearing culture
as best as I can, I often miss out on conversations with hearing people.
They generally speak fast, interrupt conversations on a regular basis,
stop carrying on a conversation midway so that they can check their cell phones,
or take a call, and they do not seem to care much for slowing down or repeating
things so that I may understand them better. I have no close hearing friends.

I also don't care much to listen to whining and complaining. I have to lip-read when
folks talk to me and  it wears me out. I want to spend my time lip-reading someone
or a conversation that is worth my time and energy. I don't mean to come across
as being cold, but it can be physically and mentally draining to lip-read. I want
to make the most of it.

I know someone who really enjoys talking and shooting the breeze.
She can start up a conversation with anyone. It's a nice quality to possess.
But, she also thoroughly enjoys complaining about nearly everything.
Housework, aches and pains, the kids, the husband's job, on and on it goes.
It amazes me that she has so many friends, and that they actually listen to
her go on and on.  I've tried to emphasize with her, but I just couldn't do it
anymore. Once, I tried to help her see the bright side, and point out the
abundance of blessings that she had, and she simply grew irate with me.
So, we rarely speak unless circumstances place us in the same room.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I don't vent when feeling frustrated,
angry, or hurt. I do. And, upon further reading of my blog, you would see
that is true.  But, there is a difference between complaining to gain the
sympathy of others, and venting to clear your head in order to find a solution.
Many people don't want a solution, they want to merely complain.
So, they end up sounding like a broken record. I don't get it.

The other thing that I noticed about myself is that I don't tend to talk about
such things as make-up, shoes, clothes, etc. They are things that I wear, not
things that I discuss. I would much rather share ideas about homeschooling,
faith, Bible scripture, how to help others in need, etc. But, it has proven
difficult to find someone who also enjoys discussing those same topics.  

So, it is with the combination of all these things, that I believe that I don't
make friends easily. I have to add that internet friends are very nice, but
I want someone that I can sit across the table from, while sharing a pot
of coffee or a pitcher of sweet tea. I know that there are a few ladies online
that would make excellent friends, but there is too much distance
between us to get together for face to face visiting. And, I really enjoy
seeing someone in person. I'm sure they do as well.

Another poster mentioned that it is quality that matters, and not quantity.
And, I do agree. One excellent friend is worth many acquaintances.
And, I suppose that one good friend would be my husband. I did marry
him, after all! But, it would still be a treasure to have that one female friend
that would go through this life with me through thick and thin, ups and downs,
good times and bad. That one friend who would discuss female matters,
and matters of the heart. There are just some things better spoken between
a sister friend than the man that holds my heart. I know, I've already tried!
(Apparently, remedies for PMS is not a topic high on his "Things to Discuss
with My Wife Today" list.)  

So, I'll keep doing what I've been doing.... praying.
Praying for good friends.

" Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, the one will lift up his companion: but woe to him who is alone
when he falls; for he has no one to help him up."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

 

Contemplating Age

So, in two months I'll be turning 40.
It doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm only 29.
Going on 30. Or maybe even going on 20.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about turning 40.
Some sadness, because I always thought that my mom would
be here when I turned forty. If she were here, she would be 
ribbing me about it, we'd be laughing, and I'd actually be looking
forward to the first day of being in my forth decade. She would be the
first to call me like she always did, because she wanted to be the very 
first one to wish me a happy birthday. This makes me miss her. 
So, I feel a little sad. 

Other times, I feel like I should be re-inventing myself.
I want to do the things that I missed out on during the first
forty years of my life. I didn't get to go out much when I
was younger, or have too much fun because my mom and (especially) 
my step-father were overly strict. How strict? I still had a curfew 
at age 21. I wasn't a trouble maker. I didn't do drugs or smoke. 
I had a "real" job. They were just overly controlling. Then, I got married, 
the babies began coming, and it was time to settle down. I still have 
the kids to care for and raise until they're ready to go on their own. 
And, that won't be for a while yet. (Thankfully.)

So, sometimes I wonder if I should do something crazy.
Not stupid crazy. But fun crazy. Like take a trip out west.
Go swim in the Pacific Ocean. Or go to the Florida Keys.
Dye my hair purple. But, I do know that I'm tired of feeling
like my life is passing by while I live in a box. My husband 
got to live overseas while he was in the Navy. I cannot help 
wondering, "When will it be my turn to go travel overseas? 
Will it ever be my turn to live in a faraway place?"

And, on a rare occasion, I dread my birthday rolling around. 
I don't have close friends here to celebrate it with me.
At least not at this time. That may change in the future, 
but that is not how it looks so far. And, yes, I am grateful 
that I can celebrate with my husband and children.
But, they have to love me. Friends choose to love a person. 
I admit it, I'm greedy; for I want both!

In any event, there is no stopping the day from arriving. 
The evidence of growing older makes itself visible more 
and more every passing day. 

Part of me feels like I'm trying to slam the breaks on getting older.
Part of me wants to embrace it. After all, growing older is a 
privilege that is not enjoyed by everyone. 

Maybe, when the day finally arrives, I'll simply count my blessings, 
blow out the candles, and hope for another forty years so I may spend 
them with my husband and children.  

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30

  

The Business of Marriage

Ok, so let me say this first: I DO love my husband with all my 

heart, only second to God.

That being said, Man, it is a lot of work to be married! And, some days, 

the very man that I'd lay my life down for, I could also strangle with both my hands.

There, I said it! 

I know it isn't his fault though. It's not mine either. It is our differences that 

drive me mad. It's not knowing how to make those differences work together 

to streangthen us that makes me crazy. It's my inability to see how God intended

our differences to fit and work together that make me think of reaching for

my frying pan and.........um, well, never mind that. But, you get the idea. 

I really don't know what God was thinking when He brought us together. 

Seriously!

Ok, let me give you the low-down......

Him: pack rat extraordinaire (but not a hoarder; he has his standards)

Me: minimalist

Him: he drives too fast

Me: I drive to slow

Him: homebody

Me: I can be a homebody, but I also want to parrrr-taaay!

Him: spend money

Me: save money

Him: Catholic

Me: Bunny believer (I jump to the church that feels like "home" to me, 

not because it is a certain denomination)

Him: ADD~ he can't remember what I tell him

Me: HOH (hard of hearing) I can't hear what he tells me

Him: Very patient

Me: Not

See what I mean? I also know that God puts people in our lives to teach us 

lessons about ourselves, but I seem to keep missing the lessons. 

I don't think that I'm being closed minded. I think that I just don't see.

That I'm "blind" to the lessons.  I'm physically deaf, and spiritually blind! 

What a combination! 

I read my Bible, searching for clues, and yet I still do not see them.

And, this drives me crazier still. 

I guess it's just that after nearly 16 years of marriage, I thought

I'd have it figured out by now. Instead, I still feel like I'm groping 

my way in the dark.  And, sometimes it feels like there isn't even any 

light for the step that I'm on. During that time, I can only sit, read, 

and wait.

But, I think that there is a clue hidden in the Love chapter. (1 Corinthians 13) 

This chapter has been on my heart the past few days. 

I read the words. I see the words. I just don't see how they answer my 

question of, "How do we make our differences work together?"

I'm still spiritually blind. But eventually though, I think that He'll let me "see"

the way to make our differences work for a greater good. 

In the meantime, I'm going to keep sitting, reading, praying, and waiting.

"But blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear."

Matthew 13:16 (KJV)

Moved Out/In

So, it was like we were at the bottom of the fourth quarter, the score was not
in our favor and we were seriously running out of time......

We had three days left on our contract with our agent to sell our house when
we finally got some Lookers. Then, after they looked at our house, they
negotiated with us, and we had a deal! That was the easy part. It all
went downhill from there.

Nearly everything that could go wrong, nearly did.
It involved inspectors, structural engineers (people who have a degree in
making your life a living hell, or helping you buy a sound house, depending
on which side of the fence you're on), transfer of photos malfunctioning
to said engineer, more packing then originally thought, not finding an apartment
before our move out date, and being transient.

Yet, through it all, I did see God's hand. Each time I could only see a dead end,
God opened up another door for us.  Each time I thought that something would
end the entire process, God saw us through it. It was incredible to watch as
it all unfolded.

So, we were "transient" for a week with no where to go, so we were temporary
residents of the Super 8 Motel. Our stuff stowed away in a storage unit.
We weren't done yet.......

We prayed over getting a single particular apartment because
nothing else would work. Here's why............
A.) Some places don't allow pets
B.) Some places didn't have three bedrooms
C.) Some places should have been shut down because they could
have been classified as slums.

And, once again, God came through for us. Paperwork was pushed through
more quickly then usual, and we were in before my husband had to go back
to work.

We have moved approximately 10 times during our sixteen years of marriage.
Some were short distance.... like across the hall, others were nearly
halfway across the country. But, I think that the move to our current
apartment was by far the hardest move we've ever done. On every level:
emotionally, physically, and time-wise. We've only owned two houses.
But, this was by far the hardest one to sell. And, it was also the most
difficulty we've ever had finding an apartment.

The first eight years of our marriage were like a crazy roller coaster ride.
We were job hopping, going from one place to another. Trying to figure out
how to carve out a life in this world. That is when we moved the most.
The second eight years were the complete opposite......
we lived in a small mid-western town surrounded by corn.
Now, we're back in an apartment, just like when we started
our new life together. (Ok, it isn't exactly the same.
We have a few kids in tow with too many toys trailing behind.)
But, I'm excited to see what the next 8 years bring our way.
I hope it's another fun-filled roller coaster ride!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to 
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

 

Waiting In Line

I've still got "moving" on my brain. 
I was thinking about it some more, and came up 
with another analogy. 

I'm standing in line. It's a very long line. I am waiting patiently.
Waiting for my turn. And, all the while, I'm waiting for God 
to move us to a new and wonderful location. I pray. I wait. 
I pray some more. Nothing happens. I pray some more. 
I wait some more. 

Well, then, after waiting a while, one person I know, gets to 
move up ahead of me to the front of the line. They relocate
to another place. Then, pretty soon, another person moves 
out of state. I'm still waiting in line. Waiting for our turn to move.
We've already done all that we can do. We've got ourselves an agent.
We have a good sized sign in the yard. We have some nice pictures
of the property online. So, now we must wait. 

But, you see, each time another friend, or another acquaintance 
gets to move, it feels like they're jumping the line. They haven't 
been waiting in line as long as we have. They have not been praying, 
waiting, and praying some more for a move as we have. One person
is moving practically spur of the moment. 

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for all of those folks who want
to move, and get to fulfill their dream. Truly, I am. But, I also 
cannot help wondering, "What about us? When will it be our turn?
When will we finally make it to the front of the line?" 

It is hard to keep our spirits up. It feels that we've been forgotten
by God. I know that we have not. But, sometimes, that is how it feels.
And, it is hard to watch others go ahead in line, while I'm still waiting 
for my own turn. Frustrating even. But, there is nothing I can do 
because it is their turn. 

So, while I wait in line, I'll continue praying to God, praising Him,  
and pining for the chance to rent a U-haul. 

The Business of Waiting

You know, it seems that we human beings sure wait an awful lot.
We wait in line. Wait in traffic. We wait for our turn. 
We wait for a phone call. We wait to hear back from the doctor. 
From the plumber. From our teenager. 
We're waiting. Always waiting for something. 

Waiting is hard business. And, most recently, we're waiting
to sell our house. Waiting for God to bring us the right buyer 
for our home. We've been waiting for nearly a year without 
much success. And, at times, I find it discouraging, heartbreaking, 
and sometimes, just down right annoying. 

I imagine that waiting while trying to sell our home is similar to a couple
who are trying to conceive a child. They want to have a child, they are
trying to have a child. Everyone around them are getting pregnant, 
having children. More then one, even. Yet, the childless couple still wait.
And............................. wait. 

That is how I feel. We want to move. We are trying to move. 
But, "trying" to move really means to wait. Because, after we contact an agent, 
throw up a sign in our yard, and post pictures online, what more can we do?
Not a whole lot. So, we wait. Everyone around us are moving. They're even 
moving more then once. Yet, here we are. Waiting.............

In Jeremiah 29:11, the Lord tells us: 
                                         "For I know the plans I have for you,"
                                         declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you
                                         and not to harm you, plans to give you 
                                         hope and a future." 

Sometimes, I wish the Lord would put those plans into action now, 
especially if they involve selling our house. But, He tends to do things
in His time. In the meantime, we can only continue to pray, 
and............wait.