An Empty Heart

Today, I was thinking about my heart. 
A year ago, it was shattered into a million pieces.
Today, it is put back together. 
But, it's so empty.

I imagine a glass heart, with cracks all over where 
it had been put back together. 
But, I can see clearly through it. 
It is empty. 
And, where happiness, joy, and love once flourished,
it is now empty of good substance and filling up 
with more pain and anger. 

I imagine that the anger is like gray-black swirls of smoke, 
filling up my heart. 
I think that if it fills up enough, it will eventually suffocate me. 
Consume me. 
I imagine that the pain is like red droplets of blood, 
dripping down in between the cracks of my heart.
I don't like this, but I don't know how to make it stop. 
At least not while I'm here.


I want to move. 
I want to help people. 
I want to reach out and not get my hand slapped.
I want to talk to people and not get rejected. 
I want to find good acceptance for me and my family.
I want to belong to a TRUE church family. 
I want my family and I to have an abundance of good friends. 
I want so much. 
It would be so easy for God to give it to us. 
Yet, He does not. 
And, this pains me too. 
I don't understand Him. 
I don't understand why. 
I DO trust Him. 
But, my heart continues to break. 


I thought I was finally out of the grief. 
But, I feel like I simply went from a dark, bleak tunnel of grief, 
to a wasteland of hurt and anger. 
When will the sun shine on us again? 
I know, we must have some rain to enjoy the sun. 
But, it feels like it's been raining on us for over six years.
It's been pouring on me a year. 
When will the sun come out? 
When will I feel the warmth of the Son on my face again? 
I long for this so much. 


I think that we're all worn out.
Depleted. 
And, we all need things that we're all too tired to give. 
This is why I want Son. 
I want Him to restore our souls, our hearts, our faith, our family, 
our marriage, our joy, our happiness. 
We cannot do it ourselves. 
We need Him. 
But, we're so tired of waiting. And, waiting.
But that's all that there seems to do. Wait.
Wait and pray. 

Heavenly Father, 
I know that everything is done in your time, 
I know that you know what is best for us. 
But, I ask that you please help us, restore us, 
give us some sunshine. We really could use some. 
Thank-you. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.


 

What I Thought/What It Really Is

In an older post, I described what it was like coming out of grief. 
It was like standing at the edge of a long, dark, lonely tunnel,
looking forward at a grassy meadow.
Sun shining down upon me.
I thought that every step afterward would be much easier.
Fast forward to this day. 

I feel like I went through the tunnel, I stood in the meadow, 
only to take a few steps more that lead me into a toxic wasteland.
People that I expected to walk with me to the other end, did not.
People I thought would understand, do not. 
People I thought would be there "because we're family", were not.

So, now, I feel as though, I'm walking through a wasteland of confusion,
pain and hurt. The skies are dark, cloudy, they look polluted. 
The ground is barren, dead. The sun doesn't shine in this place.
Words were carelessly tossed about, like rotten pieces of litter.
And, now those words just blow around in my mind like 
a tumbleweed caught in a tornado running through a dessert. 
This feels and looks like my heart. 
Maybe even my whole spirit.


First, my heart was broken into a million pieces when my mom passed away.
My heart has been put back together, but everything feels dead inside.
Nothing grows there. And, very little light shines inside. 
I know that the hardest year is behind me. But, this one isn't proving
to be much better. It seems that when my mom passed away, 
I lost almost everyone else I'm related to. 
But, for now, I chose to remove my in-laws from my life. 
I can't seem to say the right thing. 
Nor do the right thing. 
Ever. 


I need Son for my soul. 
I need people I can call my friends; to become my second family. 
People who can understand me. 
People who can appreciate it when I try to help. 
I need another family. 
I wish I had a family of friends. 
Maybe this would feed my heart and soul. 
Maybe this is what would nourish me in order to grow. 
Then, in turn, I could help nourish another's soul. 
Be a friend to someone else.
But, this isn't happening for me right now. 
And, I doubt it will happen as long as I'm here. 
I desperately want to move. 
I hope we can move someplace better this year. 
But, for now, I have to keep praying and waiting.







 

Losing More Everyday

Well, I'm pretty sure that some people think 
that I'm nothing more then a selfish bitch.
And, other people, I have no idea what they think. 

I really thought that this was going to be a 
better year. But, it's turning out to be 
about as painful as the year before. 


I seem to keep losing, or rather, getting rid of, 
more and more people in my life. 
Before you assume that I'm just too judgmental, 
please know that I've tried my best to get along.

If they didn't like A, I tried B. 
But, usually they would complain about that too. 
If they were having a hard time finding anything
good in their day, I tried to show them the 
blessings to be discovered on the flip side. 
To this, I was met with sarcasm. 


When I failed to reach out for help, 
and told them I wished they would have reached
out more to me; I was accused of expecting 
people to read my mind. When I DID reach out, 
I was accused of being self-centered, and selfish. 
Really? Is there even an option C in this situation?
I don't see one available.

So, I indirectly let the head relative know 
that I'm done being a part of that family........ for good.
Yes, I basically divorced the relatives. 
They only seem to hurt, cut, wound, ignore,
and hurt some more. 


Here is where I'm confused. If they simply want
nothing more then to hurt others, gossip about others,
and spread lies about others, then why am I hurt about
cutting them out? I wish it didn't hurt. 


Is it Christian conscience? Maybe. 
But, I can only handle so many verbal slaps to my face.
Then, I walk away. 

Maybe this isn't all that different from a woman who 
is being abused. She loves the abuser (I love the family 
members), she wants the person in her life (I want the
family in my life), but the abuse doesn't stop. 
She can't say anything right, neither can I. 
She tries to help, but is only met with disrespect.
I tried to help, and I was met with sarcasm and 
disrespect. It just doesn't end. 


To make matters worse, they all treat the other
just as badly. And, none of them want to admit that there
is a problem. They all smile, but then go spread dirt hours 
later. It is a toxic environment at best. 


So, why do I care? Why do I hurt? 
Why won't it stop? 


I really want a better year! And, so far, it is proving 
to not be so. Of all the people I'm related to, 
I don't understand why God couldn't take someone else. 
My mom would not have caused me more grief like these people. 
I still don't understand. 

You may read this and think that I'm being arrogant.
Truth be told, I don't care. I still feel like 
the day my mom passed away, is the day 
I lost my main reason for living and breathing.
Everything else feels like I'm still just getting by. 
Yes, normalcy is beginning to come back into my life.
My memory isn't shot anymore. But, the pain of so much
is still affecting me. I'm still confused. 


Dear Lord, 
Please heal my heart. 
Please bring good people into my life. 
And, please let this year turn for the better! 
Thank-you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Same Brick; Different Day

So, things have been going good lately. 
My life is getting up to speed. 
I've found "normal" again.
Then, "Whack!"; yup, another bout of grief.


It started early with pain and frustration. 
Then, that turned into anger. 
I'm still hurt and angry.
I just want to put the past and grief behind me.
No matter what I say, it's wrong.
No matter what I do, it's wrong. 

All this frustration, pain and anger made me start to really miss my mom.
Then, I bumped my CD player by accident, and it started playing a song 
that always reminds me of her. Well, then I just lost it. I cried. 
I felt better for a brief time, but then came all the emotions again. 

I just wish all the pain, frustration, and anger would stop. 
I want my life back as it was. But, that will never happen. 
It seems to me, that every time I gain some normalcy, 
I slide backwards a few steps. Back into grief. I hate that part. 


But, what I think makes it so much harder, isn't the one who died, 
but the ones living that continue to hurt me. That's just not right. 
It's not fair. And, it just flat out sucks!


No, I don't know what to do. 
Only God can see my heart, and only He can 
ease the pain. In the meantime, I guess I just keep 
praying and waiting.

Don't Judge Me

A few days ago, God put it in my heart to be quiet. 
How silence can be powerful. 
I have a hard time being quiet. 
I always feel like speaking my mind. 
I always feel like trying to right a wrong. 
Trying to speak the truth. 
But, I also see that I can speak using harsh words.
Words that do not comfort, and bring relief; but ones
that cut and injure. 


I can communicate much better if I use honey, then if I use vinegar. 
Yet, when my defenses are up, my heart broken, it seems easier to 
use words that deflect, protect, and lash out. 

I have a passion for God, for Christ. But, I use that passion in 
a way that scorns. In a way that, rather then drawing non-believers
to Christ, it makes them run in the other direction. 

I'm learning that love speaks volumes louder then criticism. 
I don't know why it has taken me so long to learn this lesson, 
or why it seems so hard to learn. 

But, upon this realization, I've come to wish that I didn't have 
to wear my hearing aids. I guess I figure that if I can't hear, then 
I won't speak (because I don't like to speak when I can't hear my voice), 
if I won't speak, then I cannot offend. It all seemed to make perfect sense to me.
But, then God shared with me something else. I cannot use my hearing loss 
as a way to escape. I cannot use it to take the easy way out. 
So, with hearing aids intact, I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. 
I wait, I listen, and then speak. 


This isn't the first time God has run this lesson through me. 
Probably won't be the last. 
But, each time I struggle with a different part of the lesson.
Before, I struggled with listening. 
Now, I listen. But, I struggle with keeping my mouth shut. 
I'm not sure when to speak and when to keep quiet. 
Oftentimes it's hard to tell the difference. 
But, I'm sure that with God's help and wisdom, 
I'll eventually get the hang of it. 

May God give me the wisdom to use words of  love and honey, 
rather then anger and vinegar. May my words be warm, and 
inviting and lead people to God rather then make them want to 
run in the other direction.  Amen.

Do you deal with the same issues? 
Please let me know, and share how you deal with it. 
But, please don't judge me. I'm already fully aware that
I'm not perfect, and I don't need someone else to point it out. 
Thank-you.
 

New Year's Resolutions

Well, I didn't get my snow.
I didn't get my cat.
And, my year got off to a rough start.
But, I'm still optimistic. 
God has been doing some unusual, 
yet amazing things in my life. 
And, I'm quite excited.
 But, I must confess, I'd still like the cat, 
and I can still tell that the year will be a good one.

But, I want to talk about New Year's resolutions.
Most everyone makes them. 
They want to lose weight and get into shape.
Quit smoking.
Eat healthier.

Well, round is a shape.
I don't smoke.
And, I try to eat better; 
some days are more successful then others. 
I know, a Snickers bar does not constitute 
as a healthy lunch, no matter how much 
it "really satisfies".

I wanted to make a different kind of 
resolution this year.
And, I heard a message loud and clear......... at church.
(The fact that I picked up anything is astonishing to me,
considering I have a profound hearing loss.)

It's not your typical cliche. 
It's not going to the gym, 
it's not working out, 
or drinking vegetable smoothies.
It's not about tithing more, 
or being more diligent about confessing your sins. 
No, this one is different.

It's simple. 
And, you don't have to do a single sit-up.
How about this for a novel idea? 
Giving your time.
Giving your love.
Giving of yourself. 

So often we lose time. 
It gets sucked up by I-pods, I-pads, cell phones, 
television, video games, and movies. 
And, once it's gone, we can never get it back. 
Time is probably our single most valuable asset. 
There are people who crave nothing more then 
for someone who will sit and share their time with them. 
It could be a lonely neighbor, an elderly shut-in, 
or maybe even your own spouse or child. 
It can be easy to overlook our own family members 
when we take their presence for granted.

Love. 
It's so easy to go through an entire day and not say,
"I love you". We get caught up in our daily busyness, 
and keep thinking that we'll just tell our loved one later, 
or another time, or tomorrow. 
Well, what if your loved one was gone tomorrow? 
Would you have regret if you never got to tell them, 
"I love you", again?  


The last time I ever told my mom that I loved her 
was the day before she died. 
I was so grateful for that. 
My husband tells me that he loves me 
every single day before he leaves for work. 
Sure, I'm still half asleep (usually more then half), 
but I still know when he tells me. 
And, I tell him every morning before he leaves. 
Sure, sometimes it comes out more as a slur of words, 
but he understands my sleep induced speech. 
We're good like that.

And, how about showing our love? 
Do we give people the patience that they deserve? 
Do we treat our own family members as well 
as we treat our friends? 
Do we occasionally put out the fine china for 
our husband and children the way that we do 
for special guests? 
Do we show those that mean most to us, 
how much we care and appreciate them?

And, giving of yourself. 
Do we go out of our way to help another human being? 
Or do you give yourself to God in prayer each day? 
There are so many ways that we can give of ourselves. 
We just need to look. 

These are my New Year's resolutions.
I've already taken some steps in order 
to carry them out. 
I have a husband and three children who 
beg me for some of my time and love everyday. 
And, I confess, I need to stop overlooking them. 
I need to give more of myself to God too. 

Sure, I'll still be praying for God to show me how 
I can spend time with someone outside of my family. 
I'll be praying for Him to show me who else 
I can show my love. 
But, I need to remember that I have four individuals 
already here who need those things first and foremost. 

So, maybe you already made your New Year's resolution. 
But, is it one that will truly make a difference in your life and the life of another human being? 
If not, you can always start a new one tomorrow.

May God guide your steps,
and may your new year be overflowing 
with many new blessings!   :o)

Spring Cleaning

So, I started spring cleaning a few days ago. 
Un-cluttering closets. 
Creating a pile of items to donate. 
Clearing the dust in forgotten spaces. 
You get the idea.

But, I also had to un-clutter my life of more people. 
A whole lot of more people. 
It's sad really. 
I wanted to be in their lives. 
I wanted them in mine. 
But, when they primarily complain about the everyday things in life,
nothing major whatsoever, it begins to get on my nerves.
They don't show gratitude. They whine. 
And, these people are also offended by the truth. 
They don't want to hear it, practice it, or live it. 
No, with some people, it is all a soap opera of who said what to whom. 
Everyone stabbing everyone, while they all look on innocently.

Am I innocent? No. 
But, I do love the truth. 
It sets a person free. 
These people would rather stay shackled to their drama, 
lies, deceit, and pride. 
So be it. 


Let them tear each other down, tear each other apart;
let them speak to each other with lying lips, and wound each other endlessly.
I want no part of it anymore. 

I've been around long enough to know that people do not often change. 
They want to improve to be better in their own eyes, not God's eyes. 
Because changing to be better in God's eyes requires much more 
sacrifice, usually much more pain, and a strong desire to go 
after God's own heart. 


It's a new year. 
With the death of my mom, I went through enough pain for one year. 
And, holding onto people who only speak lies, 
and who only bring harm,
are not worth holding onto. 


So, along with clearing my life of too much stuff, 
I'm also setting myself free of too many hurtful individuals. 


It's a brand new year! 
And, I hope that God gives us an outpouring of many 
new blessings and much happiness. 
Because I am ready for a wonderful new adventure! 
And, may He bless you too! :o)