Birthday Grief

Today is just a bad day. 
It has really knocked me down. 
It's her birthday. 
She would have been 65 years old today. 

I had a plan. 
Go to the local college to watch a Native American music performance.
But, the family didn't really want to go. 
So, now I'm sitting here, without a plan, and the pain just keeps sinking 
in deeper and deeper.
It just hurts more and more. 
There is no running from it. 
No avoiding it. 

I've considered walking over to a local bar to drown out the pain. 
Just to numb the pain. 
Maybe find some relief.
Maybe have a drink in Her memory on Her birthday. 
The rest would just be to ease the pain. 

I'm surprised it still hurts. 
Then again, maybe I'm not. 
That's why I had a plan to get through the evening.  
But, then it kind of fell through.
It's my own fault. 
I asked the family if they wanted to go because they all looked 
less then enthusiastic about the idea. 
I thought that Husband would understand why I wanted to go, 
but he didn't. 
I didn't think that I had to spell it out. 
But, I should have. 
I should have made them go. 
But, I didn't.

So, now, I'm stuck. 
Stuck in grief. 
Trying to figure out how to wade through the rest of this evening
without completely breaking.
But, that's just it.
What to do. 
I don't have any close friends I could call on. 
Otherwise, I'd tell them to meet me somewhere.
Husband doesn't seem to quite understand. 
So, I'm sitting. 
Thinking. 
Trying to figure it out. 

I don't want to let the evening be a total waste. 
But, I just don't know what to do. 
Other then go walk over to the local bar. 
Maybe I will. 
But, maybe I'll just have one drink to Her on Her birthday.  
Or, maybe I'll just stay home and do some crafts I've been wanting
to do. 
And, then have that drink. 

Either way, I need to have better plans for the tough times. 
And, I've got more coming my way. 
Thanksgiving.
The 3 year anniversary of her death.
Then, two weeks later is Christmas. 
Yes, I definitely need better plans!
I need to make better plans that will stick. 

Maybe tonight would be the perfect time to begin 
thinking about what kind of plans to make. 
Maybe that would help. 

I don't know.
Either way, I know I'll get through this night.
Somehow. 
Some way. 
I just need to re-direct my focus.
From grief to something positive. 
I just need to think positive. 
Positive.