God's Deaf Child

I am a Christian. 
I love God. Deeply. 
I go to church most Sundays.
And, I don't understand a word. 
I'm deaf. 

My husband is Catholic, so we go to Catholic church.
They do have what is called a missal, a book that has in it
the Bible verses that will be read that day, and part of 
what the priest will discuss. It helps. But not very much.
It is hard to lip read the priest because he stands so far
away. Even from the very front pew, there is too much space
between him and I. And I soon grow tired from reading his lips.

Instead, I sit in church, staring at the ornate statues, 
the stations of the cross, and the brightly colored stained
glass windows. Sometimes, I just fold my hands and look at them.

I've tried praying while in church, but I can still hear some noise, 
and it is enough to distract me. 

I think that my husband and I are both selfish. 
I think that he is selfish because he wants me to attend Catholic 
church because that is what he has done all of his life. I want to 
go someplace that will stimulate my senses since that is how 
I learn best. But I know not where to go. Sometimes, he has 
suggested that we could go somewhere else, but I know it 
wouldn't be permanent, because if it were, it would likely nearly 
break his heart. 

But, it's like I once told him: Sometimes, for me, going to 
church is the equivalent of taking a blind person to a 
silent movie. Neither of us will get anything out of it. 
And, for both of us, it would be a waste of our time.  

I think that I'm selfish because I don't want to attend church 
due to lack of understanding, yet Christ died on a cross for me.   
Or rather, I do want to attend church, but I'd like to be able 
to understand it, be inspired, and be spiritually fed. 
So, I see: I don't want to sit in a church for an hour without 
gaining anything, but a man died for my own sins. Yeah, there 
is no guilt there. But, I also don't want to waste time. I gain 
more out of reading my Bible, devotionals, and journaling for 
an hour then I do sitting in church for the same amount of time. 
I even tried taking my Bible, journal, and devotionals to church
with me and doing them there, but I felt bad. Guilty. 
It was like being in history class, but reading a book for 
literature class. 

This issue has tormented me for the past 16 years.
And, I don't think that I'm any closer to gaining an answer today
then I was then. 

Some folks have suggested that I ask the church to be looped 
in order to work with my hearing aids. But, that is expensive and 
I couldn't ask them to do that when I know we'll be moving again.
Some folks have suggested a sign language interpreter, but there
are none in the churches we've attended. 

One person did make a good point. They suggested that I go
in order to set a good example for our children. To show them 
that even when it isn't always easy to go to church, we should
still go. This way they learn that going to church is important.
I think this is an excellent point, I just don't know if it's enough
to keep me going back to sit for an hour doing nothing, 
gaining nothing.

I think that if I had my way, I'd hold church in my house.
A few other couples (no more then three couples total)
could come to our home, and we could all worship together.
It would be small, personal, up close for easier lip reading,
no echoes, no babies crying in the background, no sense of
frustration from not understanding the message. Just a small
group of people reading the Bible, sharing their thoughts, 
helping each other understand the word, and sharing their
love for Christ. I wish it were that easy. But for various
reasons, it will likely never happen. So, I continue on 
my search for an answer. 

Maybe some day soon, God will open my eyes, and my husband's
eyes, and show us a way to worship Him together. Because in 
the end, that's all I want. I want us both to be able to understand, 
worship, and to be spiritually fed together.