Contemplating Age

So, in two months I'll be turning 40.
It doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm only 29.
Going on 30. Or maybe even going on 20.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about turning 40.
Some sadness, because I always thought that my mom would
be here when I turned forty. If she were here, she would be 
ribbing me about it, we'd be laughing, and I'd actually be looking
forward to the first day of being in my forth decade. She would be the
first to call me like she always did, because she wanted to be the very 
first one to wish me a happy birthday. This makes me miss her. 
So, I feel a little sad. 

Other times, I feel like I should be re-inventing myself.
I want to do the things that I missed out on during the first
forty years of my life. I didn't get to go out much when I
was younger, or have too much fun because my mom and (especially) 
my step-father were overly strict. How strict? I still had a curfew 
at age 21. I wasn't a trouble maker. I didn't do drugs or smoke. 
I had a "real" job. They were just overly controlling. Then, I got married, 
the babies began coming, and it was time to settle down. I still have 
the kids to care for and raise until they're ready to go on their own. 
And, that won't be for a while yet. (Thankfully.)

So, sometimes I wonder if I should do something crazy.
Not stupid crazy. But fun crazy. Like take a trip out west.
Go swim in the Pacific Ocean. Or go to the Florida Keys.
Dye my hair purple. But, I do know that I'm tired of feeling
like my life is passing by while I live in a box. My husband 
got to live overseas while he was in the Navy. I cannot help 
wondering, "When will it be my turn to go travel overseas? 
Will it ever be my turn to live in a faraway place?"

And, on a rare occasion, I dread my birthday rolling around. 
I don't have close friends here to celebrate it with me.
At least not at this time. That may change in the future, 
but that is not how it looks so far. And, yes, I am grateful 
that I can celebrate with my husband and children.
But, they have to love me. Friends choose to love a person. 
I admit it, I'm greedy; for I want both!

In any event, there is no stopping the day from arriving. 
The evidence of growing older makes itself visible more 
and more every passing day. 

Part of me feels like I'm trying to slam the breaks on getting older.
Part of me wants to embrace it. After all, growing older is a 
privilege that is not enjoyed by everyone. 

Maybe, when the day finally arrives, I'll simply count my blessings, 
blow out the candles, and hope for another forty years so I may spend 
them with my husband and children.  

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30