The Cleansing of Grief

This December will be the 3rd year anniversary of my mom's passing.
(You can read about that journey in my earliest blog posts.)
I have since discovered that grief is a form of cleansing if you
will allow it to do so.

I was arguing with my oldest this morning about the fact that he
is striving for the impossible.......perfection. How it is not attainable.
And, how, when he asks for advice, every answer I give is the wrong answer.
It will always be the wrong answer because he wants the perfect answer.
We went on arguing for about an hour. When it was over, I sat down
and reflected about the exchange of words that had occurred between us.
Nothing serious, just two stubborn people going round in circles.
My son reflects my pride so well that it makes me cringe.
At least that is how it used to be.

Before my mom passed away, I was so filled with passion.....but the
wrong kind. The kind that slowly grows and makes a soul ugly from the
inside out. The kind of passion that will choke a person's spirit.
Pride. Arrogance. Stubbornness. Envy. Haughty. Narrow mindedness.
Argumentative. I had it all. I was it all. And, I wouldn't listen to anyone,
because I thought I already knew it all. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that I
even have a husband who loves me as much as he does.

My heart also contained love, but it was being choked out by all
the other nasty things that grew rampant in my heart.
And, then, my mom died.

A garden. There were a few flowers. Beautiful flowers.
They were called Love, Kindness and Compassion.
But they were far and few between.
The rest was all overrun with weeds.
Big, deep, winding, twisting weeds.
They were called Pride, Arrogance, Stubbornness, Envy,
Bitterness, Anger, and Resentment. They crawled, and snaked
into the garden. They had choked out the good that once
bloomed everywhere.

Then she died. And, everything in the garden died with her.
At least that is how it felt.

And, the garden was stripped bare.
Everything. Gone. Love, Pride, Envy, Arrogance, Stubbornness,
Kindness and Compassion.........all gone. Only dust was left.
The garden was bare. Empty.

My soul had been shaken inside-out. Cleansed. Scrubbed. Put through the wringer.
But, it was clean. Of everything. The grief had done a good job of cleansing me and
leaving me on my knees. But, I was clean. The garden cleared.

Then, new dirt was laid. A second chance.
A fresh start. A chance to plant new seeds. Carefully.
So, as to not plant the same weeds twice.

So, new seeds have been planted. Sowed deep in the fertile ground.
Love. Kindness. Compassion. Patience. More Love. Humility.
Empathy. Servitude. And, still, even more Love.

It's a fresh start. Small. But, new. And, for the first time in ages,
I can look inside myself, inside my heart, and I don't hate what I see.
I don't hate who I see. Not too long ago, I'd look at myself, and I used
to cringe at the sight of myself. I didn't like what I saw, but I didn't
realize that what I saw was caused by who I had become. I was too
full of myself, and too arrogant to see it at the time.

But, not today. Today, I strive for something different. Something better.
I strive for humility and for love. And, I think that when those two things
are achieved, everything else that is good will follow. I know that the weeds
will still crop up. But, I won't let them overrun my heart and take over.
And, I believe that prayer will help with that. Prayer to ask for wisdom
and understanding. To ask for forgiveness. To ask for positive change.

Today, I saw myself reflected back to me through my son.
My hope for him is that he is a faster learner then I. That he will
learn to prune his heart, and not let the weeds choke his spirit as
I had once done. I hope that he won't let this old world contaminate
what is good inside his soul. Won't let them harden his heart.
I hope that he will recognize the changes I've made and imitate
those changes, instead of imitating who I used to be. I pray that
his heart will always be a garden filled with wonderful flowers
and that it will never be choked out by the weeds. And, I hope that
the next time I see my reflection in the words that he speaks,
that I'll love what I see.

"Love suffers long and is kind; 
love does not envy; 
love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 
does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, 
is not provoked, thinks no evil; 
does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails."
       1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NKJV)