What I Thought/What It Really Is

In an older post, I described what it was like coming out of grief. 
It was like standing at the edge of a long, dark, lonely tunnel,
looking forward at a grassy meadow.
Sun shining down upon me.
I thought that every step afterward would be much easier.
Fast forward to this day. 

I feel like I went through the tunnel, I stood in the meadow, 
only to take a few steps more that lead me into a toxic wasteland.
People that I expected to walk with me to the other end, did not.
People I thought would understand, do not. 
People I thought would be there "because we're family", were not.

So, now, I feel as though, I'm walking through a wasteland of confusion,
pain and hurt. The skies are dark, cloudy, they look polluted. 
The ground is barren, dead. The sun doesn't shine in this place.
Words were carelessly tossed about, like rotten pieces of litter.
And, now those words just blow around in my mind like 
a tumbleweed caught in a tornado running through a dessert. 
This feels and looks like my heart. 
Maybe even my whole spirit.


First, my heart was broken into a million pieces when my mom passed away.
My heart has been put back together, but everything feels dead inside.
Nothing grows there. And, very little light shines inside. 
I know that the hardest year is behind me. But, this one isn't proving
to be much better. It seems that when my mom passed away, 
I lost almost everyone else I'm related to. 
But, for now, I chose to remove my in-laws from my life. 
I can't seem to say the right thing. 
Nor do the right thing. 
Ever. 


I need Son for my soul. 
I need people I can call my friends; to become my second family. 
People who can understand me. 
People who can appreciate it when I try to help. 
I need another family. 
I wish I had a family of friends. 
Maybe this would feed my heart and soul. 
Maybe this is what would nourish me in order to grow. 
Then, in turn, I could help nourish another's soul. 
Be a friend to someone else.
But, this isn't happening for me right now. 
And, I doubt it will happen as long as I'm here. 
I desperately want to move. 
I hope we can move someplace better this year. 
But, for now, I have to keep praying and waiting.