An Empty Heart

Today, I was thinking about my heart. 
A year ago, it was shattered into a million pieces.
Today, it is put back together. 
But, it's so empty.

I imagine a glass heart, with cracks all over where 
it had been put back together. 
But, I can see clearly through it. 
It is empty. 
And, where happiness, joy, and love once flourished,
it is now empty of good substance and filling up 
with more pain and anger. 

I imagine that the anger is like gray-black swirls of smoke, 
filling up my heart. 
I think that if it fills up enough, it will eventually suffocate me. 
Consume me. 
I imagine that the pain is like red droplets of blood, 
dripping down in between the cracks of my heart.
I don't like this, but I don't know how to make it stop. 
At least not while I'm here.


I want to move. 
I want to help people. 
I want to reach out and not get my hand slapped.
I want to talk to people and not get rejected. 
I want to find good acceptance for me and my family.
I want to belong to a TRUE church family. 
I want my family and I to have an abundance of good friends. 
I want so much. 
It would be so easy for God to give it to us. 
Yet, He does not. 
And, this pains me too. 
I don't understand Him. 
I don't understand why. 
I DO trust Him. 
But, my heart continues to break. 


I thought I was finally out of the grief. 
But, I feel like I simply went from a dark, bleak tunnel of grief, 
to a wasteland of hurt and anger. 
When will the sun shine on us again? 
I know, we must have some rain to enjoy the sun. 
But, it feels like it's been raining on us for over six years.
It's been pouring on me a year. 
When will the sun come out? 
When will I feel the warmth of the Son on my face again? 
I long for this so much. 


I think that we're all worn out.
Depleted. 
And, we all need things that we're all too tired to give. 
This is why I want Son. 
I want Him to restore our souls, our hearts, our faith, our family, 
our marriage, our joy, our happiness. 
We cannot do it ourselves. 
We need Him. 
But, we're so tired of waiting. And, waiting.
But that's all that there seems to do. Wait.
Wait and pray. 

Heavenly Father, 
I know that everything is done in your time, 
I know that you know what is best for us. 
But, I ask that you please help us, restore us, 
give us some sunshine. We really could use some. 
Thank-you. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.