Losing More Everyday

Well, I'm pretty sure that some people think 
that I'm nothing more then a selfish bitch.
And, other people, I have no idea what they think. 

I really thought that this was going to be a 
better year. But, it's turning out to be 
about as painful as the year before. 


I seem to keep losing, or rather, getting rid of, 
more and more people in my life. 
Before you assume that I'm just too judgmental, 
please know that I've tried my best to get along.

If they didn't like A, I tried B. 
But, usually they would complain about that too. 
If they were having a hard time finding anything
good in their day, I tried to show them the 
blessings to be discovered on the flip side. 
To this, I was met with sarcasm. 


When I failed to reach out for help, 
and told them I wished they would have reached
out more to me; I was accused of expecting 
people to read my mind. When I DID reach out, 
I was accused of being self-centered, and selfish. 
Really? Is there even an option C in this situation?
I don't see one available.

So, I indirectly let the head relative know 
that I'm done being a part of that family........ for good.
Yes, I basically divorced the relatives. 
They only seem to hurt, cut, wound, ignore,
and hurt some more. 


Here is where I'm confused. If they simply want
nothing more then to hurt others, gossip about others,
and spread lies about others, then why am I hurt about
cutting them out? I wish it didn't hurt. 


Is it Christian conscience? Maybe. 
But, I can only handle so many verbal slaps to my face.
Then, I walk away. 

Maybe this isn't all that different from a woman who 
is being abused. She loves the abuser (I love the family 
members), she wants the person in her life (I want the
family in my life), but the abuse doesn't stop. 
She can't say anything right, neither can I. 
She tries to help, but is only met with disrespect.
I tried to help, and I was met with sarcasm and 
disrespect. It just doesn't end. 


To make matters worse, they all treat the other
just as badly. And, none of them want to admit that there
is a problem. They all smile, but then go spread dirt hours 
later. It is a toxic environment at best. 


So, why do I care? Why do I hurt? 
Why won't it stop? 


I really want a better year! And, so far, it is proving 
to not be so. Of all the people I'm related to, 
I don't understand why God couldn't take someone else. 
My mom would not have caused me more grief like these people. 
I still don't understand. 

You may read this and think that I'm being arrogant.
Truth be told, I don't care. I still feel like 
the day my mom passed away, is the day 
I lost my main reason for living and breathing.
Everything else feels like I'm still just getting by. 
Yes, normalcy is beginning to come back into my life.
My memory isn't shot anymore. But, the pain of so much
is still affecting me. I'm still confused. 


Dear Lord, 
Please heal my heart. 
Please bring good people into my life. 
And, please let this year turn for the better! 
Thank-you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.