Explaining Hearing Loss

What is it like having a hearing loss? 
Sometimes people ask me this. 
My own children ask me this from time to time. 

I often feel like a deer in the headlights. 
I search for a compact, simple answer, but there really is none. 
Instead, I have a million fragmented explanations, random words, 
and images flying through my mind.

Being hard of hearing. 
Being hearing impaired.
It's the same. 
I know what it is. 
You know what it means.
But, it's hard to explain it in a neat package. 
The only thing for certain is that each person's hearing loss
experience is their own. 
And, I cannot speak for someone else.

It is so many things. 
Physically. Emotionally. 
And, even spiritually.

Physically, it means wearing two hearing aids.
It means hearing better, but not perfectly, or even normally.
It means keeping a pack of batteries on me at all times.

It means not hearing crickets at night, a microwave beeping, 
a child's whisper, or even my own name. 

It means reading lips all day long, which in turn, causes me
to blink less then I need to, which dries my eyes, and that 
can ultimately lead to terrible headaches. 

In means that while I lay in bed, with my hearing aids out, 
waiting to fall asleep at night, I lay in almost total silence. 
I say "almost" because I can hear bass sounds. Sounds like 
my spouse snoring next to me, thunder, a car driving by 
with the radio playing loudly and the bass turned way up high. 
But, I don't hear anything else. I don't hear my husband's alarm
radio singing to wake him up, I don't hear the first words that my 
children speak in the morning, I don't hear any birds singing to greet
the new day. 

Emotionally, it is many things too.
It is anger, frustration, humility, funny, heartbreaking;
a kaleidoscope of emotions all about the same thing.
About not being able to hear and the struggle to live
my best life in a world that is dominated by hearing folks.

It is like a tapestry woven into my very being. 
Sometimes, I struggle to tear it out by trying to be "normal", 
but it never works. Other times, I simply embrace it and 
realize that it is part of what shaped me to be who I am.

I used to feel angry because I didn't understand why God 
let this happen to me. Now, I get angry because, as an adult, 
I've come to understand that having a hearing loss has it's 
limitations. 

I used to feel frustrated because I longed to be 
"normal". Now, I get frustrated when someone can't 
understand what I'm saying, or I cannot understand them
because I'm struggling to read their lips. 

I used to feel that the world owed me because I have 
a hearing loss. Now, I feel that I owe others for being 
patient with me, for helping me, and for loving me 
in spite of my imperfections. 

I used to be so serious, so black and white. Now, I understand
that it's easier to deal with my hearing loss with a sense of humor.
When I can laugh about it, people relax. 

It can also be heartbreaking.
Some people don't want to give me a chance, or give a little more
effort to understand me, or to be understood. These folks tend to 
be rude, or brush me off. (I still struggle to let those type of 
incidences roll off of my shoulders because it hurts.)

But, above it all, I do believe that my hearing loss has affected
 me most spiritually.

 As a small child, unable to hear, laying in the dark alone, 
I used to talk to God to ease my fears. 

I used to talk to Him and cry myself to sleep as a teenager because 
I honestly believed that no boy would ever want my heart in marriage. 
What man would ever want a broken human being? 

As a new wife, I prayed that my husband wouldn't wake up one day 
and regret his decision to marry me. 

Now, as a mother, I pray that God will keep my children safe 
when they are out of my line of vision. 

Having a hearing loss has taught me to trust in God. 
I cannot do all things. And, I need His help. 

So, like I said in the beginning, it is nearly impossible to
give a compact answer to the question: What is it like to 
have a hearing loss? If you do ask me, and I give you a 
deer in the headlights look, it's because there are so 
many strands of thread that make up this tapestry 
that stretches deep within me that runs the length of 
my entire life. And, how could I sum that up in just a
few short words?