Being a person with hearing loss

If I had a dime for every time this happened, I'd be retired and living the good life by now......

Hearing Person: "Mumble, mumble-mumble, mumble."
Me: "I'm so sorry, I can't understand you. I have a severe hearing loss.
Could you please repeat that again?"
Hearing Person: "Wow! You speak really good for a deaf person!" 
Me: "Um, yeah, thanks." 

I find myself wondering if I owe the hearing person an apology for not hearing 
what they said. I'm tired of apologizing for something that I have not brought upon 
myself. For something I can do little about. But, on the other hand, I want them to 
be patient with me, and understand that I care about what they say. It's frustrating.

I'm tired of not belonging anywhere. Really. I feel like I go against the grain in 
nearly every area of my life. 

I am a Christian in a very un-Christ like society.
I am also not Christian enough to be accepted by certain cliques.
I am a homeschooler in a society that is trying to stamp out home education. 
I have a profound hearing loss in a majority hearing society.
I don't fit in the hearing world because I wear hearing aids and hearing people 
view me as a deaf person. 
I don't fit in the deaf world because I use spoken language as my main form
of communication, so they view me as a hearing person.

I'm beginning to see that there are two ways to go about it. 
Either I can grow increasingly bitter about it, or I can develop a sense
of humor about it all. I sure wish I had a better sense of humor. I wish I had
a tongue that could make a fast and funny comeback. 
But, the snide comments wear me out. Run me down. My own in-laws
can't even accept that I have a hearing loss. As if it were too much for 
them to handle.  They want me to just be "normal". As if they're saying, 
"There will be no special treatment for you! You must conform, and be
like the rest of us."   

You know, I've been trying to conform to the hearing world for years. 
Trying to fit in. Blend in. Forget who I really am. Wearing a mask of 
a hearing person. But, eventually the mask slips, I am found out.
Or, it is just to exhausting to wear it. And, sometimes, I just want to 
take it off and be myself........but that is so rare. Because it seems to me, 
it comes at a high price. 

And, am I hearing impaired? Or do I have a hearing loss? 
They sound the same. But they're not. 
One is saying that my hearing loss is my identity, it defines me.
The other says that I am a person who happens to have ears that
are malfunctioned. 
Is it a bad thing if my hearing loss defines me? 
Is it better if I'm just a "normal" person who has ears that don't work? 
Can I be both? 

I am at the threshold of exploring and finding my new identity. 
In every area of my life. 
As a mom, wife, Christian, daughter, friend, as myself. 
Who am I? And, who do I want to be? 
My heart was put back together. Now, may God help me
figure out what I'm supposed to do, and who I am supposed to be. 
Ultimately, I want to be my best, do all I can do, and have all that God
has planned for me.