The Mess of Grief II

I'm still in the boat that I was in two years ago.
The waves have calmed down. 
The water is placid. 
There is no agony or grief swirling around me anymore. 
The darkness has parted. 
The light is visible. 
Yet, here I still sit. 

I'm still lost. 
God put my heart back together.
I've gotten back into the game of life. 
I just don't know what to do with my life, 
or how to use it to serve God.
I'm still lost. 
I still don't know what to do or where to go.
My boat isn't moving. 
Not in any direction. 
No wind to guide it, not even a hint of a breeze. 

The business of sitting still and waiting for God is........
frustrating, lonely, and has it's own kind of agony.

I know God's lighthouse is there. 
It's the biggest one, I can't really miss it.
But, it's not sending me any sign of where to go, 
or what to do. 
No signal. Nothing.
I know that I'm not meant to sit in this boat forever. 
I could just row and go, but then I'd be taking things 
into my own hands without a clue of where I was headed. 

I know there is a shore for me to land upon. 
I just can't see it yet. 
I worry that I've already pulled onto shore, 
and I just don't realize it because I'm looking 
at it all wrong. 
As though maybe I'm looking at the dirt under my
feet instead of the panoramic view. 
But, I really don't think that is the case. 

So, for now, I sit in my boat. 
I wait for God. 
I wait for Him to give me a direction, a breeze, 
or a good, strong wind to send me on my way. 

Dear Heavenly Father, 
Please help me. Please send me on my way so that
I may reach another shore. A place where I can find 
hope, friendship, inspiration, and a way to serve You. 
In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

You & I and the Difference

I mentioned in a previous post that it is difficult to describe hearing loss in 
a neat package. It is hard to give a whole picture in just a few short words. 
So, I wanted to try and paint another picture of what it can be like to have
hearing loss. I can't speak for everyone else, but this is what it's like for me.

You wake up to music playing on your clock radio. 
I wake up to a vibration under my pillow.

You hear the water hit the tub as you shower.
I feel the water on my skin.

You hear your children, and know that they are laughing.
I hear my children, and need to see that they are not hurt.

You hear laughter and giggling.
I see eyes and lips smiling.

You  hear someone knock at your door.
My children alert me when someone arrives. 

You hear the birds chirping and singing nearby.
I see birds take flight and sit in the birdbath. 

You feel the wind blowing in your hair.
I hear it roaring like the sea in my ears.

While in a parking lot, you hear a car's engine.
I see the brake lights. 

You walk confidently.
I step cautiously. 

You hear a person clearly, and respond appropriately.
I hear syllables, and ask the person to repeat what they said.

You listen for your children.
I watch for mine. 

You hear an oven beeper going off, signaling that dinner is ready.
I carefully watch the clock and smell the aromas drifting. 

You carry on a conversation while washing dishes.
I must stop washing, turn to the person speaking, and read their lips.

You settle in for an evening of television.
I watch the captions as they pass over my screen.

While laying in bed in the dark, you make small talk with your spouse.
I ask mine if there is anything I need to hear before I take out my hearing aids.

You and your spouse exchange I love you's before turning over to sleep.
My husband and I make the sign for I love you, and press our hands together. 

This describes some typical situations during an ordinary day of my life. 
Many hard of hearing folks experience similar situations, but still, each
person is different and unique. And, what might be for one individual, 
will not necessarily be for another. I'm just trying to paint a clearer picture 
for better understanding. 








  

Intro to Homeschool

I haven't typed anything about homeschooling. 
Yet, it takes up most of my day, almost every day. 
It is the reason that if you drop by my house unannounced, 
you'll likely find it less then perfect. 
It is the reason that, when I begin to clean vigorously,
 my children instinctively ask, "Who's coming over?" 
It is the reason why I keep wine in my fridge at all times. 
(And, you're probably wondering, "Is she kidding, or not?")

I began homeschooling in 2005. 
I didn't plan it that way. No. I was your typical mom.
My son and I got the snazzy Thomas the Train backpack
with matching lunch box. We got the extra pair of sneakers
for gym class. I dreamed of having homemade chocolate chip 
cookies and milk set out for him when he arrived 
home from school. But, that is not how it was to be. 

Instead, as problems kept cropping up for my son at school, 
I began to hear God whispering into my heart, "Homeschool". 
My response was: "Yeah, I cleaned some houses for some 
ladies that homeschooled their kids, that was nice. But, Lord, 
this is ME you're talking to; and I wouldn't even know 
where to begin!"

Well, it just so happened that while I was at a crossroads about
the matter, I met a homeschool mom at our local library. I knew
that God had put her there for a reason. She used to be a teacher, 
and she happened to be from the same state as I. She was very
knowledgeable, and answered any questions I had about homeschooling.
That is when I made up my mind to follow God's calling for me 
to homeschool. 


Is it easy? No. 
Is it worth it? I think so. 
Am I trying to shelter my children? Not really.
Only from what children shouldn't know before they're 
ready to understand. 
Do I think that I can do better then a school teacher? 
Yes. Nobody else will teach my children one-on-one.
A teacher will not have compassion or love for my child 
the way that I do. 
Do I think that teachers are bad? No, absolutely not. 
Do I think that all parents should homeschool? 
Are you kidding me? No. Not all parents are meant to 
homeschool their child. 

Homeschool is hard work. 
It takes commitment. 
It takes sacrifice. 
It is a huge responsibility. 
Sometimes, it can be costly.

Homeschooling means:
*possibly having a messy house part or all of the time.
*not having much time to spend by yourself. 
*not being able to go at a moment's notice to hang
  out with a friend or go shopping.
*maybe making financial sacrifices.

But, it also means:
*watching your children grow each day.
*growing closer as a family.
*knowing who your child's friends are.
*ensuring their safety. 
*teaching them about appropriate subjects at the appropriate time.
*allowing them to explore and learn about what they find fascinating. 
*and if you're a Christian, nurturing them to have a relationship with Christ. 

I believe that each parent needs to do what is best for his/her
own child. Each and every child is different. But, I would also
like respect for choosing to homeschool my own children. 
I don't think that parents are wrong for putting their children
in a public or private school. Please don't judge me for 
homeschooling mine. 

I took my son out of school for several reasons.
I felt that he could gain a better education at home then what
the school offered. I also wanted him to grow in Christ, and have 
a deep relationship with Him. I wanted him to enjoy his childhood
at home. And, I also homeschool him because his school, located 
in the country and surrounded by corn, does not consist 
of central air conditioning. The school has ceiling fans 
and windows for ventilation. This doesn't work well for my child
who has asthma and allergies. 

Everyone's child is different and unique.
Everyone has different reasons for homeschooling. 
Everyone has different reasons for putting their child
in a public or private school. But, ultimately, all parents 
are just doing what they feel is best for their own child. 

If you are considering homeschool, or you're just curious, 
you may ask me questions, and I'll do my best to answer them. 

The Blessings Of Hearing Loss

I am all for praising God and thanking Him for the blessings that

we receive. It's easy to do when things are going well, or we get

what we were praying for. 

But, what about praising God during turmoil, or for something

that we won't fully understand until we go Home? 

It has been put upon my heart to try and find the good in 

having a hearing loss. To try and have a thankful heart about

something that I feel has brought me much pain, embarrassment,

and frustration. 

At first, I just shrugged at the thought, and said to myself,

"That's easy, I can fall asleep without my husband keeping me 

awake with his snoring!" But, I knew that God meant for me 

to go beyond that.... far beyond that. So, I started thinking, 

"What in the world could I be thankful for about my hearing loss?"

Good grief! It seemed a hard question with even harder answers. 

After I began taking the question more seriously, the first

thing that came to mind was my dependence on God. We 

quickly became good friends in my childhood. I would talk

to Him whenever I was afraid. (This was usually at bedtime,

while laying in the dark, unable to hear much of anything.)

I would talk to Him like a friend, pray out loud with my small

hands clasped together until I fell fast asleep.

My hearing loss is a constant reminder that I am blessed 

to be alive right now. As a newborn, I nearly died. They

expected me to die. My mother told me that I was nicknamed

"Miracle Baby".  I often wonder if my hearing loss is a 

reminder from God that he allowed me to live and experience

all that He has to offer. 

Being hearing impaired, I miss a lot of spoken language. 

I am often unaware of what I am missing. This is a 

blessing in that I generally miss dirty jokes, inappropriate

language, and sometimes, I miss the rude comments that

were meant to hurt me. 

I think that having a hearing loss has given me a larger heart.

I try to help many. I know what it's like to need the help 

of others on a regular basis. 

I think that it has made me sensitive to the pain of others. 

I know what it's like to be hurt or humiliated for something 

that is completely out of my control. And, I hate to see 

others suffer. 

It has also made me very grateful for this life, and those who 

share it with me. Many people walk away once they realize 

that I am hearing impaired. But, for those who stay, for those

who get to know me, for those who love me, I am very grateful. 

I'm not saying that hearing people are incapable of being 

sensitive, grateful, or giving. I am saying that if I were

a hearing person, I believe that I would not be able to be as

sensitive, grateful, or as giving as I can be as a person with a 

profound hearing loss. 

So now I wonder. 

Is my hearing loss a reminder that I am blessed to be alive?

Or did I nearly die so that I could be given the blessing

of hearing loss? 

I never thought of my hearing loss as being a blessing 

from God............until now. 

Explaining Hearing Loss

What is it like having a hearing loss? 
Sometimes people ask me this. 
My own children ask me this from time to time. 

I often feel like a deer in the headlights. 
I search for a compact, simple answer, but there really is none. 
Instead, I have a million fragmented explanations, random words, 
and images flying through my mind.

Being hard of hearing. 
Being hearing impaired.
It's the same. 
I know what it is. 
You know what it means.
But, it's hard to explain it in a neat package. 
The only thing for certain is that each person's hearing loss
experience is their own. 
And, I cannot speak for someone else.

It is so many things. 
Physically. Emotionally. 
And, even spiritually.

Physically, it means wearing two hearing aids.
It means hearing better, but not perfectly, or even normally.
It means keeping a pack of batteries on me at all times.

It means not hearing crickets at night, a microwave beeping, 
a child's whisper, or even my own name. 

It means reading lips all day long, which in turn, causes me
to blink less then I need to, which dries my eyes, and that 
can ultimately lead to terrible headaches. 

In means that while I lay in bed, with my hearing aids out, 
waiting to fall asleep at night, I lay in almost total silence. 
I say "almost" because I can hear bass sounds. Sounds like 
my spouse snoring next to me, thunder, a car driving by 
with the radio playing loudly and the bass turned way up high. 
But, I don't hear anything else. I don't hear my husband's alarm
radio singing to wake him up, I don't hear the first words that my 
children speak in the morning, I don't hear any birds singing to greet
the new day. 

Emotionally, it is many things too.
It is anger, frustration, humility, funny, heartbreaking;
a kaleidoscope of emotions all about the same thing.
About not being able to hear and the struggle to live
my best life in a world that is dominated by hearing folks.

It is like a tapestry woven into my very being. 
Sometimes, I struggle to tear it out by trying to be "normal", 
but it never works. Other times, I simply embrace it and 
realize that it is part of what shaped me to be who I am.

I used to feel angry because I didn't understand why God 
let this happen to me. Now, I get angry because, as an adult, 
I've come to understand that having a hearing loss has it's 
limitations. 

I used to feel frustrated because I longed to be 
"normal". Now, I get frustrated when someone can't 
understand what I'm saying, or I cannot understand them
because I'm struggling to read their lips. 

I used to feel that the world owed me because I have 
a hearing loss. Now, I feel that I owe others for being 
patient with me, for helping me, and for loving me 
in spite of my imperfections. 

I used to be so serious, so black and white. Now, I understand
that it's easier to deal with my hearing loss with a sense of humor.
When I can laugh about it, people relax. 

It can also be heartbreaking.
Some people don't want to give me a chance, or give a little more
effort to understand me, or to be understood. These folks tend to 
be rude, or brush me off. (I still struggle to let those type of 
incidences roll off of my shoulders because it hurts.)

But, above it all, I do believe that my hearing loss has affected
 me most spiritually.

 As a small child, unable to hear, laying in the dark alone, 
I used to talk to God to ease my fears. 

I used to talk to Him and cry myself to sleep as a teenager because 
I honestly believed that no boy would ever want my heart in marriage. 
What man would ever want a broken human being? 

As a new wife, I prayed that my husband wouldn't wake up one day 
and regret his decision to marry me. 

Now, as a mother, I pray that God will keep my children safe 
when they are out of my line of vision. 

Having a hearing loss has taught me to trust in God. 
I cannot do all things. And, I need His help. 

So, like I said in the beginning, it is nearly impossible to
give a compact answer to the question: What is it like to 
have a hearing loss? If you do ask me, and I give you a 
deer in the headlights look, it's because there are so 
many strands of thread that make up this tapestry 
that stretches deep within me that runs the length of 
my entire life. And, how could I sum that up in just a
few short words? 


   

Being a person with hearing loss

If I had a dime for every time this happened, I'd be retired and living the good life by now......

Hearing Person: "Mumble, mumble-mumble, mumble."
Me: "I'm so sorry, I can't understand you. I have a severe hearing loss.
Could you please repeat that again?"
Hearing Person: "Wow! You speak really good for a deaf person!" 
Me: "Um, yeah, thanks." 

I find myself wondering if I owe the hearing person an apology for not hearing 
what they said. I'm tired of apologizing for something that I have not brought upon 
myself. For something I can do little about. But, on the other hand, I want them to 
be patient with me, and understand that I care about what they say. It's frustrating.

I'm tired of not belonging anywhere. Really. I feel like I go against the grain in 
nearly every area of my life. 

I am a Christian in a very un-Christ like society.
I am also not Christian enough to be accepted by certain cliques.
I am a homeschooler in a society that is trying to stamp out home education. 
I have a profound hearing loss in a majority hearing society.
I don't fit in the hearing world because I wear hearing aids and hearing people 
view me as a deaf person. 
I don't fit in the deaf world because I use spoken language as my main form
of communication, so they view me as a hearing person.

I'm beginning to see that there are two ways to go about it. 
Either I can grow increasingly bitter about it, or I can develop a sense
of humor about it all. I sure wish I had a better sense of humor. I wish I had
a tongue that could make a fast and funny comeback. 
But, the snide comments wear me out. Run me down. My own in-laws
can't even accept that I have a hearing loss. As if it were too much for 
them to handle.  They want me to just be "normal". As if they're saying, 
"There will be no special treatment for you! You must conform, and be
like the rest of us."   

You know, I've been trying to conform to the hearing world for years. 
Trying to fit in. Blend in. Forget who I really am. Wearing a mask of 
a hearing person. But, eventually the mask slips, I am found out.
Or, it is just to exhausting to wear it. And, sometimes, I just want to 
take it off and be myself........but that is so rare. Because it seems to me, 
it comes at a high price. 

And, am I hearing impaired? Or do I have a hearing loss? 
They sound the same. But they're not. 
One is saying that my hearing loss is my identity, it defines me.
The other says that I am a person who happens to have ears that
are malfunctioned. 
Is it a bad thing if my hearing loss defines me? 
Is it better if I'm just a "normal" person who has ears that don't work? 
Can I be both? 

I am at the threshold of exploring and finding my new identity. 
In every area of my life. 
As a mom, wife, Christian, daughter, friend, as myself. 
Who am I? And, who do I want to be? 
My heart was put back together. Now, may God help me
figure out what I'm supposed to do, and who I am supposed to be. 
Ultimately, I want to be my best, do all I can do, and have all that God
has planned for me. 

Looking At Heaven

There is an old story.
It's about four blind guys standing around an elephant. 
They're trying to figure out what they're feeling. 

One guy feels the elephant's tail, and says, "It's a rope".
The second guy says, "No, no, it's obviously a wall"; as he is rubbing the 
elephant's side. 
Another guy says, "You're both wrong, it's definitely a hose"; as he holds
onto the trunk of the animal. 
The last guy says, "You're all wrong! It is, without a doubt, a fan"; as he
feels the elephant's large ear.  

Sometimes, I wonder if this is how we view Heaven and 
everyday occurrences.  When we look up at the clouds, are we
also looking up at Heaven's floor, and just don't know it? 
Are our loved ones knelt down on clouds, looking at us? 
Are they smiling because they can see us whenever they want? 
They never have to miss us. 

Are the stars really heavenly address plaques? 

When we step outside, and feel a breeze blow softly against our cheek, 
is it just the wind? Or is it a heavenly kiss from a loved one 
who has passed on?

Or, is that breeze the language of Heaven?
Is it Heavenly for "I love you"? 

Is a child's carefree, innocent laughter just that? 
Or, is it really a glimpse of what we will hear in Heaven?

If Heaven is paved with gold, and the walls are covered in what
are Earth's most precious jewels, what else does Heaven hold? 
Are there clues all around us, and we just don't see?

When we glimpse a butterfly, is it a clue about how easily and
painlessly we'll flow through the heavenly palace? 

When spring arrives, and the flowers open, are they really singing
a song we cannot hear?

When winter brings it's fluffy white snow, is it a message to 
show us how light, white, and clean our heavenly garment will be? 

Is the rain really God's way of saying, "I've washed away your sins today"?

When the thunder rumbles loudly in the sky, is this God's voice saying, 
"I am Mightier then any earthly king!"?

And are diamonds a reminder of how precious we are to God? 
That we're all different, but that he loves us all. Some of us are polished, 
and reflect God's light easily. Then there are those of us who are covered 
in dirt, who could use some help, who want to shine, but who find 
it difficult to do. And, there are the ones who have covered their hearts 
in hard dirt, who don't want God, and who do not shine His light at all. 

When we look around and see ordinary things during an ordinary day,
are we really witnessing extraordinary messages from Heaven, 
and we're just unaware? 

Sometimes I just wonder if God left us the ordinary to teach us 
about the extraordinary.