Like a brick in the head

Grief. It can sure knock me upside the head when I least expect it.
It's like cruising along the scenic route, watching the sun set, and then, 
in a split second, you realize that you've crashed. You didn't see it coming.
It just happened. That's grief. 

I was cruising along. I was breathing a sigh of relief, for a moment anyhow.
I had wrangled free from the grip of grief. But, it does manage to catch up
with me eventually. I'm getting better then it, though. I'm not trying 
to outrun it. But, it seems to be having a harder time catching up to me, 
and even when it does, it has a hard time getting hold of me. 

But, lately, it has had me in it's grip pretty tightly. I keep trying to get free.
But, anything I try, doesn't work. I'm back to when nothing I did worked. 
Nothing I did seemed to loosen it's grip on me. 

I think it's amazing what the difference a day can make. The other day, 
I was fine. Today, I struggled with grief all day long. It just hurt, and hurt.
And, it wouldn't stop. 

A day. Just a day. The last time I ever talked to my mom on the phone 
was on Dec. 10th. A Friday. An ordinary day. With ordinary chores, 
ordinary weather, ordinary words. But, the next day would 
change my life forever. Flip my world upside down. The next day, 
my mom had passed away. In just a day. A single day. 

A day. Before she passed away, she told me that she, I, and the kids 
would bake goodies at Thanksgiving time to have ready for Christmas. 
I still struggle with this statement. I keep asking myself, 
"If she had plans in life, then why did she die?"
This has never made any sense to me. She MADE plans. 
So, why did she go?  She talked about how she had to see 
my oldest graduate, how she wanted to be around when 
my children get married, and how we could spend time 
together because she was finally retired. 
I just don't understand why she had to go.
I may never understand. 

One of the hardest things I struggle with is the fact that 
I may not get to see her for another 25 to 50 years. 
That's a long time not to see someone.  This breaks my heart as well. 

I know I'll see her again some day. One day. And, it may be an ordinary day, 
with ordinary weather. People using ordinary words. I just hope that 
when it's my turn, that I'll be blessed enough to have my husband 
and children with me by my side. As I take my last breath here on earth, 
and take my first breath in heaven.