The frustration of being HOH

I don't know why people say it. 
I don't know why hearing people say it. 
Why do they say, "You have the best of both worlds"?
I am hearing impaired, and I can honestly say, it is NOT the best of both worlds.

It's like saying to a person with only one leg, "You have the best of both worlds. 
You are not totally leg-less, and you can still walk like everyone else". 
"You can experience both worlds.... the leg-less/or leg-impaired and the leg-ies."
 How many people go up to a one legged person and tell them how "lucky" they
are to be one legged?  
I know, it's insulting.

I have heard this about being hearing impaired for my entire life. 
When, in fact, I am not a part of either world. 
The deaf do not fully accept me because I do not fit the definition of being deaf, 
nor do I know ASL because it was discouraged from being used in the schools I attended. (Lip-reading was pushed, SEE was acceptable, ASL was discouraged.) 

I am not part of the hearing world because I cannot fully hear like a hearing person.
Generally, there are numerous misunderstandings. 
Hearing people think I am being a snob because I do not hear them and they 
interpret it as being ignored. 
Or, I keep silent because I'm unsure of a conversation topic, and they 
may interpret this as not caring.
I misunderstand hearing people for more reasons then I can list. 


No, I am not part of either world. 
I am a part of a world that is altogether different. 
There are others like me, I know. 
But, I know of none nearby. 
And, I know of none at all that homeschool hearing children. 
For these reasons, I often feel isolated. 

I have often felt that my hearing loss and my personality are in 
constant conflict with each other. 
My hearing loss keeps me isolated (I can be in a room of 80 people, 
and I am still isolated). 
My personality screams, "I want to fit in! I want to socialize 
and mingle like everyone else!" I want to have social dinner parties, 
potlucks that are overflowing with conversation and laughter. 
Laughter that is preferably not about me, but shared with me. 
These are some of my deepest longings. 


But, for now, the best that I can do is to bungle through life with hearing people.
To hold my breath in a crowded social situation and hope and pray that I don't 
say the wrong thing at the wrong time. 
To try not to embarrass myself.
But, this is stressful at best. 
A total nightmare at worst.

My wish: to either have a bionic ear or for hearing people to become more
sensitive and understanding overnight. 
At this rate I don't think I'll see either in my lifetime.

So, for the rest of my lifetime, I will continue to do what I have been doing....
Thanking God for the good friends and family that I do have that take the 
time to slow down, re-explain things, re-explain things again, interpret for me,
make phone calls for me, point out what I have missed, and apologize on my
behalf to the hearing people that I accidentally insult by unknowingly 
ignoring them. 
Yes, I do thank God for these rare people in my life. 
Some come to stay, some just pass through for a brief time. 
But, I am thankful for them all.