Letting Go

Letting go. 
It can be hard to do.
I feel that I let go of so much this past year.

I let go of my mom when she passed away.
I let go of life as I knew it.
I've been letting go of grief.
I let go of her ashes because I didn't know when  or if 
her husband would ever bury them. 

I'm letting go of her husband. My step-father.
My step-father of 21 years.
I didn't want to let him go. 
I did try to make our step-father/step-daughter relationship still work.
But, he has chosen to ignore me, his son-in-law, and his grandchildren. 

This hurts deeply. 
I wondered if I was trying hard enough. 
Doing enough. 
His message, "I need my space" seemed to truly say, 
"Stay the hell away from me". 
 But, I didn't. 
I kept trying. But, without cramping his "space". 
I find it hard to believe that I was in his space to begin
with; we live 3 states away from each other.

I sent a Father's Day card. 
I think I only got a response because that happened to be 
the same time that he had my mother's ashes buried. 
And his "thank-you" wasn't even one of sincere joy.


And, more recently, I sent him a birthday card. 
I went back and forth about it. 
Would he be angry? Would he ignore me like he has been?
What if I don't send it, and he thinks I don't care?
What if I do send it, and he gets angry because he is trying
his damndest to forget about all of us.


So, I sent the birthday card. 
I sent it because I read an Amish proverb....
       "To give good for good is human, 
               to give good for evil is divine."


He may never thank me. He may never acknowledge me again.
But, I felt good. I believe that I did what was right. I know that
my mother would be proud. 


But, since he has not responded, and I still think that he never will, 
I'm letting go. Originally, I thought that I would give him a year. 
But, in 10 months, he has only bothered to contact me a small 
handful of  times; mostly of which were to ask me repeatedly to
come and fetch my mother's belongings from the house. 
(Because he was too much of a coward to do it himself.)


For months I ached the loss of my mom.
Then, I ached for the loss of my step-father. 
I ached for the fact that I can never go "home" again. 


But, if I've let go of the grief from my mother's passing.
And, I've accepted the fact that I'll never see my mother's house again, 
then I suppose, it's time to let him go too. 


Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's hard.
But, my mother didn't chose to have cancer.
He chose to kill our relationship. 
I did all that I could do.
It's time to heal.
It's time to move on.