I saw God's fingerprints

It's been a year since I last saw my mom alive. 
She came to visit here, at my home, in September of last year. 
I never saw her again until it was time to prep her for her funeral.

But, I have seen God's fingerprints all over my life this past year. 

I saw Him when I needed strength to clear my mom's house out 
in a hurry because someone had me under the gun to get her stuff.
He wanted her memory erased forever.

I saw God when Valentine's Day rolled around, and one of my 
sister-in-laws sent each of my kids something small in the mail.
My mother would always do this for my kids; but not this year.

I saw Him on Mother's Day. A day that I tried to avoid because it
hurt so much. My first one without my mom. But, I couldn't avoid it.
I got a phone call from everyone I care about.

I saw His fingerprints on the vacation that my father provided
for us. A much needed vacation.

I saw God on my worst days. The days I was emotionally on my knees.
The days I cursed from anger and pain. When I lashed out the hardest.
The days I was too tired to be angry, so  I wept instead.
Those days, God whispered to me, calling me. "Come closer".

I saw God when a sunny day seemed like a waste, because
all I could see were the tears falling from my eyes. 
God would whisper that it would be alright. It was fine to not feel 
"normal" yet. That I needed time for my wounds to heal. 


I saw Him on the days I didn't even want to get out of bed or get dressed.
His fingerprints would be on a card waiting in my mailbox on a day I needed 
it most. Or a phone call from someone who called just to ask how
I was doing. 


I saw God in a colorful bouquet of flowers from my husband. I often got
those on the days that my husband felt helpless in easing my grief, but
he still wanted to do something for me.

I saw God a lot this past year, and the year isn't even out yet.
I still have my first birthday to get through without my mom.
There's Thanksgiving. And, this Christmas will really be my second
without her. But it will feel like my first. She died, last year, exactly 
two weeks before Christmas. I was in such shock, it didn't even feel like 
Christmas to me at all. I avoided all happy Christmas music at any cost.
Going into a department store to shop for clothes to wear to the funeral
was almost unbearable. The contrast between the merry tone, bright colors,
smiling faces, and laughter that filled the air, was a stark contrast to the deep
grief that I was going through. But, I pulled through. With God's help. And, 
the help of my husband.


I am looking forward to December 31st. For me, it marks the final day
of a full year without my mom. January first of last year, felt like the first day
of my life without my mom. It was the first day I had to be in my own home 
since I found out she had passed away.


There is still time for God to put his fingerprints on my life this year. 
For this reason, I continue to keep my eyes open, searching for Him.
His fingerprints. And what He holds in store for me. I can hardly wait!