The mess of grief

Today I sat, and thought about part of my journey. 
The part of it that involves going through the grief process. 
Grief is so many things. 
Messy. Hard work. Exhausting. Life altering. Life shattering. Painful. 
Mine also burned with anger and rage. 
And, much of the time it seemed that all of those emotions would swirl wildly together. 
I often felt as though my heart had been dropped on a concrete floor; 
the pieces shattering like thin glass into a million small irreparable pieces. 
Devastated. 


In the beginning, a thick, heavy, black steel wall had come smashing down!
It divided my life. 
Life before the funeral. 
Life after the funeral. 
The funeral itself seemed to be in suspension, like as if it were in Purgatory. 
A time that was like no other.
A time all together different.

At another point, I had a clear picture in my mind. 
I, alone, in a small boat, riding on rough, dark, cutting waves. 
Dark clouds rolling in. 
(Symbolic of what what was yet to come.) 
Ahead, sat a lighthouse. 
But, the light is out. Forever. 
But, at least, I thought, I can still see the house that held the light. 
But, someone took that away from me. 
So, I bounced, aimlessly in a vast ocean, 
identified as my life, 
without any direction, help, hope, or compass. 
Nothing. 
At least that is how it seemed to be.  
 I continued bouncing on the waves, getting sick, crying out to God to help me. 

In the beginning, when my life had been ripped apart, I came to a cross roads. 
One would require that I lean on and trust God. 
Trust Him when I didn't understand, 
trust Him to deal out the punishment of those who had hurt me during my 
walk through grief. 
The other, would allow me to trust my own understanding, 
to lash out in pain to hurt those who had hurt me, 
allow me to seek out revenge and justification where I saw it fit. 

I chose to go God's Way. 
I still got angry. 
I still get angry. 
I still think about my hurt and pain. 
But, I don't seek action.
It doesn't consume me. 
I take it to God. 
(Usually not in the best of language.) 
And, I lay it down, and let Him take it. 
I trust Him to help me. 
To heal me. 
To deal with those who hurt me when I needed help the most. 

Yes, I still hurt. 
But, I found another lighthouse. 
God's. 
And, the smaller lighthouses that shone before, 
just shine brighter today. 
Yes, I still hurt. 
I still miss her. 
But, I'm beginning to find peace.
 And, in the end, that's all I really want.