Being a person with hearing loss

If I had a dime for every time this happened, I'd be retired and living the good life by now......

Hearing Person: "Mumble, mumble-mumble, mumble."
Me: "I'm so sorry, I can't understand you. I have a severe hearing loss.
Could you please repeat that again?"
Hearing Person: "Wow! You speak really good for a deaf person!" 
Me: "Um, yeah, thanks." 

I find myself wondering if I owe the hearing person an apology for not hearing 
what they said. I'm tired of apologizing for something that I have not brought upon 
myself. For something I can do little about. But, on the other hand, I want them to 
be patient with me, and understand that I care about what they say. It's frustrating.

I'm tired of not belonging anywhere. Really. I feel like I go against the grain in 
nearly every area of my life. 

I am a Christian in a very un-Christ like society.
I am also not Christian enough to be accepted by certain cliques.
I am a homeschooler in a society that is trying to stamp out home education. 
I have a profound hearing loss in a majority hearing society.
I don't fit in the hearing world because I wear hearing aids and hearing people 
view me as a deaf person. 
I don't fit in the deaf world because I use spoken language as my main form
of communication, so they view me as a hearing person.

I'm beginning to see that there are two ways to go about it. 
Either I can grow increasingly bitter about it, or I can develop a sense
of humor about it all. I sure wish I had a better sense of humor. I wish I had
a tongue that could make a fast and funny comeback. 
But, the snide comments wear me out. Run me down. My own in-laws
can't even accept that I have a hearing loss. As if it were too much for 
them to handle.  They want me to just be "normal". As if they're saying, 
"There will be no special treatment for you! You must conform, and be
like the rest of us."   

You know, I've been trying to conform to the hearing world for years. 
Trying to fit in. Blend in. Forget who I really am. Wearing a mask of 
a hearing person. But, eventually the mask slips, I am found out.
Or, it is just to exhausting to wear it. And, sometimes, I just want to 
take it off and be myself........but that is so rare. Because it seems to me, 
it comes at a high price. 

And, am I hearing impaired? Or do I have a hearing loss? 
They sound the same. But they're not. 
One is saying that my hearing loss is my identity, it defines me.
The other says that I am a person who happens to have ears that
are malfunctioned. 
Is it a bad thing if my hearing loss defines me? 
Is it better if I'm just a "normal" person who has ears that don't work? 
Can I be both? 

I am at the threshold of exploring and finding my new identity. 
In every area of my life. 
As a mom, wife, Christian, daughter, friend, as myself. 
Who am I? And, who do I want to be? 
My heart was put back together. Now, may God help me
figure out what I'm supposed to do, and who I am supposed to be. 
Ultimately, I want to be my best, do all I can do, and have all that God
has planned for me. 

Looking At Heaven

There is an old story.
It's about four blind guys standing around an elephant. 
They're trying to figure out what they're feeling. 

One guy feels the elephant's tail, and says, "It's a rope".
The second guy says, "No, no, it's obviously a wall"; as he is rubbing the 
elephant's side. 
Another guy says, "You're both wrong, it's definitely a hose"; as he holds
onto the trunk of the animal. 
The last guy says, "You're all wrong! It is, without a doubt, a fan"; as he
feels the elephant's large ear.  

Sometimes, I wonder if this is how we view Heaven and 
everyday occurrences.  When we look up at the clouds, are we
also looking up at Heaven's floor, and just don't know it? 
Are our loved ones knelt down on clouds, looking at us? 
Are they smiling because they can see us whenever they want? 
They never have to miss us. 

Are the stars really heavenly address plaques? 

When we step outside, and feel a breeze blow softly against our cheek, 
is it just the wind? Or is it a heavenly kiss from a loved one 
who has passed on?

Or, is that breeze the language of Heaven?
Is it Heavenly for "I love you"? 

Is a child's carefree, innocent laughter just that? 
Or, is it really a glimpse of what we will hear in Heaven?

If Heaven is paved with gold, and the walls are covered in what
are Earth's most precious jewels, what else does Heaven hold? 
Are there clues all around us, and we just don't see?

When we glimpse a butterfly, is it a clue about how easily and
painlessly we'll flow through the heavenly palace? 

When spring arrives, and the flowers open, are they really singing
a song we cannot hear?

When winter brings it's fluffy white snow, is it a message to 
show us how light, white, and clean our heavenly garment will be? 

Is the rain really God's way of saying, "I've washed away your sins today"?

When the thunder rumbles loudly in the sky, is this God's voice saying, 
"I am Mightier then any earthly king!"?

And are diamonds a reminder of how precious we are to God? 
That we're all different, but that he loves us all. Some of us are polished, 
and reflect God's light easily. Then there are those of us who are covered 
in dirt, who could use some help, who want to shine, but who find 
it difficult to do. And, there are the ones who have covered their hearts 
in hard dirt, who don't want God, and who do not shine His light at all. 

When we look around and see ordinary things during an ordinary day,
are we really witnessing extraordinary messages from Heaven, 
and we're just unaware? 

Sometimes I just wonder if God left us the ordinary to teach us 
about the extraordinary. 

Job and Me

After reflecting on the past (almost) two
years of my life, I started to think more 
and more of Job. Poor Job. The guy lost 
everything except for his wife and a handful
of servants. After reading what happened to him
in just a single day, I started to parallel my life to his.
Sure, his was much, much more severe, but I 
couldn't help but see some similarities between 
his life and mine.

Job lost his oxen, donkeys and servants. 
I lost my step-dad and my husband's car.

Lost all his sheep and servants.
I lost my step-family and my husband lost
a job in UT. 

Job lost his camels and servants.
I lost my van and my in-laws.

Job lost all 10 of his children to a great wind.
I lost my mom, and the opportunity to move.

Job's body broke out into great sores that
covered his body. 
My knee and back flared up; I had to go 
to therapy. Anxiety attacks were next.

Three friends told Job that his troubles 
were his own doing for hiding something 
from God. 
Two people verbally slapped me in the face
when I tried to reach out for help and comfort.
Another wasn't there for me when I needed 
them most. 

Then, God spoke to Job, and Job prayed 
for his friends. God sent Job many blessings.
I will admit that it took me a long time before
I could pray for those who hurt and 
offended me. I am not as humble as Job. 
Quite frankly, I don't know how Job could
pray for his friends so quickly. 

*Job's sores went away.
*My knee and back feel better.

*He grew twice as rich.
*We haven't grown twice as rich.
But, surely I have learned twice as much.

*Job had 10 children again.
*My mom cannot be replaced.
*My in-laws still want nothing to do with me.
*My step-family have yet to even 
acknowledge me.

*Health, happiness, and honor were 
restored to Job.
*I can only hope that God would do the 
same for me. 

Job was a great man. He loved god deeply.
I wish that I had unwavering faith as Job did.
He is defiantly a great teacher and role model. 


Lord, 
Please help me create my new normal. 
Help me learn the most from my painful
experiences. And, please let them lead me
closer to You. Thank-you. 
In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. 

Hard Year

I really thought  that this year would be much 
easier then the last. 
And, it was, in a way. 
Sure, the grief was mostly gone. 
God put me back together.

But, it seemed that everything else just fell apart. 
I had to go to physical therapy for a bad knee.
I noticed that I had lost more of my hearing.
My vehicle was totaled. 
About a week later, my husband's vehicle stopped 
running altogether.
The following month, we were dealing with an 
insurance company from hell.
Then, our computer crashed. 
We got a break for about two months. 
Then, it started back up again. 
My husband got a job offer so we put our house 
up for sale. 
Then, someone was very interested in it. 
They took so long dragging their feet getting back 
with us on making an offer, that my husband had 
to forfeit the job. 
Then, we negotiated with the potential buyer 
for a MONTH (because "he's hard to get a hold 
of due to his job"); when it came down to the final price, 
our last offer, the guy walked. 

Then, September rolled around. 
And, things finally started to turn for the better. 

My knee is feeling better.
I went to talk about new hearing aids today; 
turns out someone might be able to help me 
get them covered.
We replaced my husband's vehicle right away.
But, I waited 7 long months to get one for myself. 
Our computer was repaired.
And, we got a sweet dog. 
We still haven't sold our house.
But, I'm alright with that. 

It's been a difficult two years, but I believe that 
it is finally turning around for the better. 
And, I know, without a doubt, that God is behind it 
every step of my way. 

Thank-you, Lord. 
I admit that I do not understand your 
plans for my life. 
But, my hope, trust, and faith lie in You. 
Amen

All My Whys

Why didn't you leave him?
I could have helped you.

Why didn't you tell me what he was doing to you?
I would have helped you.

Why did you let him hurt you?
I wouldn't have let him.

Why did you let him control you for so long?
I tried to show you.

Why didn't you put a stop to it?
I wanted him to stop.

Why did you lie to me?
He didn't love or care about us.

Why didn't you warn me about how he would be?
It would have prepared me.

Why did you ever listen to him?
He only spoke lies.

Why did you ever believe him?
He only deceives.


Why didn't I see what was happening?
Because you kept most of it from me.

How did I not recognize your pain?
Because you wore a mask.

Why didn't I care enough?
Because I was selfish.

Why didn't I understand what was happening?
Because I couldn't imagine a husband both loving and
hurting his own wife.


May you rest in peace.
May you have peace from the games, the lies,
the mask, the deceit, the hurt, the pain, and your own grief.
May you finally have peace.
In God's name, may you have peace. Amen.

God's Children

God's Children.
We come in all different shapes, sizes and colors.
Some are old, some are very young, and then there are 
those of us who are smack dab in the middle. 


We have good jobs, good grades, and we go to church 
because we should. We're clean cut and smell good. 
Our families intact. These are God's children. Right? 


Last week, after we read our devotion, I gave my children 
a talk about how Jesus reached out to the lowest people 
in his time. The outcasts, thieves, loners, etc. 
And, how we should try and do the same. 


A week later, in came a very sweet, unknown little person 
that my children had invited over to play. They offered 
him a cup, and told him to help himself to the fridge 
for a drink of juice.  A stranger was looking 
in my refrigerator! I held the same feeling of alarm 
as if he went shuffling through my underwear drawer. 


But, eventually I could see that the child was harmless, 
and I quieted down and settled in to read a good book.


Twenty minutes later, all the children went outside to play. 
I went in to check out our playroom where the children 
had been playing. An odor seemed to hang in the air
of the room. It was awful! This child had very bad B.O., 
and I happen to have a very sensitive nose! 


So, I was debating weather to allow my kids to play 
with him or not. I decided it was best to wait for my husband 
to arrive home from work in order to ask him. So I did. 
What should we do? Should we let this child come over 
to play in the future? Or should we keep our distance? 
My husband told me to let the child come over to play.  


Then, no sooner did my husband finish answering the question, 
did I hear God say, "Uh-hmm! Remember that talk 
that you gave to the kids last week? How I reached out to misfits? 
Well, they don't always smell the best. Or dress the best. 
You asked me to show you a way to reach out.
And here he is.....a little blond headed, blue eyed boy."


I think that it's easy when God calls us to do His clean work.
The easy stuff. The stuff we enjoy doing, with the people that we
enjoy doing it with. And, I think that it's easy to write off those 
children of His that smell badly, who may not have the best clothes,
or whose house isn't picked up and in perfect order.
But, these are the ones who may most need to know 
that God loves them. Because they are God's children too.  


"Then the King will say to those on the right, "Come, you who 
are blessed by my father; take our inheritance, the kingdom prepared 
for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you 
gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something
to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in. "    (Matt. 25:34-35)


"Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you
hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes
and clothe you?"    (Matt. 25:37-38)


"The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did 
for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."   
(Matt. 25:40)

Hard of Understanding

Hard of Hearing.
Moderate to severe hearing loss.
Hearing impaired. 
They're all the same.
They all describe me. 
They all simply mean that my ears don't function as intended.

This doesn't mean that I can't think. 
This doesn't mean that I'm stupid.
This doesn't mean that I should not, or cannot lead a normal productive life.

It also doesn't give people the right to be blatantly rude towards me.
Nor does it mean that people have the right to tell me, "Never mind", 
when I fail to understand them because THEY failed to look at me when 
they were talking to me. 

I refuse to believe that it is only my fault when I misunderstand someone talking.
I refuse to allow people to ignore me as if I'm not even present... and get away with it.
I refuse to lip read while the person is talking with food in their mouth. 
I refuse to answer to or talk with someone who chooses not to look at
me when they're talking.  

Things need to change. 
There is no reason why I need to put up with the ignorance
 and just sheer stupidity of hearing people who think 
that they're better then I just because they can hear. 
That is just wrong. 

I don't know how, but I need to find a way to make things better for myself. 
I need to gain my confidence back. 
Take back my quality of life. 

I am hearing impaired or hard of hearing,
but I prefer a new term I heard recently, 
"Hard of Understanding". 
That is much more accurate. 
I struggle to understand so much more then I struggle to hear. 
But hearing people struggle to hear and listen.

I don't have anything against hearing people. 
I'm married to one, and all my children are hearing. 
I just have something against disrespect, ignorance, and 
impatience.  

So, if you see me on the street, just smile. 
If you want to say "Hello", make sure you have my attention. 
Make sure that I can see your face in order to read your lips. 
Speak clearly and don't yell or over pronounce your words. 
And, have patience with me. 
If you do these things, you'll probably gain a loyal friend.  :o)