Ode to the Toilet

Today I am going to tell you about what is, up until this point, the most
wonderful thing I have discovered about Japan. It is a simple thing.
It is a necessity. It goes by many names: Porcelain God, The Throne,
The Oval Office, The Latrine, The Loo, and The Can, to name a few.

There are three types of toilets in Japan.
The traditional Japanese toilet. And, their two versions of the
western toilet.

The traditional Japanese toilet can only be described as something
equivalent to an urinal that lays into the floor. When you need
to go, you'll need to squat. I have not had an urge that was so great
that I couldn't wait for a western style toilet to become available.

Now, they also have two versions of what is known as the western
style toilet. One version is very similar to what we have back
in the states. But, the second is the Holy Grail of toilets.
These people have, in my opinion, perfected the most
disgusting object in our home.

The epitome of western style toilets is made of porcelain and have a bowl
similar to our toilets in America. And, that's where all similarities end.

So, you need to use the potty. Sweet.

Japanese western toilets have a panel of buttons next to the
bowl. One button is the on/off switch to the heated seat.
Then, there is a dial or a button (can be either one) to control
how much warmth you want to radiate to your bum while
you're reading your favorite magazine. This is awesome on
frigid cold mornings when you dread leaving the warmth of
your bed just to go sit on an ice cold toilet seat.

There is another button that acts as a bidet.
(I don't think I need to explain much more about that.)
There is a dial to control the temperature of the water
shooting out, and another dial to control the pressure.

There is another spigot that will clean your um...... posterior.
There is a dial to control the temperature of the water,
and a dial that also controls the pressure.

So, now you know all the controls that will help you have
a pleasant bathroom experience.
But, wait, there's more!

The Japanese are also very polite folks.
So, when you know you're going to have to make some
noise while trying to rid of that burrito, there is yet another button
to push to imitate the sound of the flush. You push this button to
spare your neighbor from having to hear your bodily sounds.

And, right about now, you're probably thinking, "But, they're
going to smell what's going on in the stall next to them."
Ah-Ha! But, there is a button for that!
You push another button that gives a puff of nice smelling
fragrance, whereupon a fan will kick on to blow the fragrance to
(hopefully) conceal your less-then-sweet smelling odor.

So, you're all done. But first.......... pull up your britches,
button them up, BEFORE you flush! You only flush
when you're ready to wash your hands because the
water that fills your toilet tank is also the water that
you use to wash your hands. So, there is a spout
(similar to a drinking fountain), that shoots out water
from the toilet tank lid, that goes back down in an arc, and
goes into a hole that is in the toilet tank cover. When the
tank is filled, you're out of water to wash your hands.
So, you better be quick about it.

So, when it's time to head back to the States, I'll be
placing a special order to have a toilet shipped back home!  

I'd just like to add that if you ever need to use a Japanese
public restroom, you better take some soap and a small towel.
They do not provide those items. And, sometimes, there isn't
a hand dryer either. The sanitary napkin machine? Forget it!
You need to be prepared when walking out on the town in
Japan. Having this experience has made me grateful for
soap and towels or hand dryers when out and about in
the States.

I hope you'll keep following along on our adventures in Japan!