Letting Go For The Last Time

With grief, there are steps that must be taken.
Part of my process involved giving up many things.

First, it was giving up my mom in physical form.
Accepting that I'd never see or hear her again.

It was walking away from her ashes (at the time) because
the widower wouldn't bury them, even though he was on
the prowl all too soon for a new replacement wife.

It was walking away from having a relationship with 
the widower because he didn't want a genuine relationship
with me; he only wanted to use me.

Then, it was giving up the "Stuff". 
The "Stuff" were things that rightfully belong to me.

The Stuff consisted of items that she had gotten while 
she was still married to my father.  Things that I had 
given to her. Things I had made for her as a child 
before the widower was ever even in our lives. 
And, things my children had made for her.

I carried the hope of getting that Stuff for two years.
But, eventually, hope turned into a burden. But, I carried 
it because the Stuff was the last of what I had of her.
I didn't want to let the stuff go. Yet, I really didn't have 
any of it at all. I only had an illusion.

I had created my own prison. I was inside, the door was
locked, but I also held the key to let myself out.

If I could just touch and hold the Stuff, then somehow, 
I could hold her, hold her memory. 

But recently, I heard God say, "Let it go."
I asked Him, "Let what go, Lord?"
And, He answered, "Let it all go. Let go of the Christmas Stuff.
Let go of the hope of getting it back someday. Let go of your pride."

I thought long and hard about what I heard.
It would mean walking away from the very things that I wanted most.
It would mean humbling myself. 
It would mean putting my faith in God above what I wanted most.
It would hurt so much. 
But, I trust God more.
I came to a decision. 

I told God, "Alright. I'm standing at the foot of the cross, 
and I'm putting it at your feet. All of it. I'm opening my 
hand and my heart and letting it all go. I trust that 
you will give me something better in exchange."

And, He did. He gave me freedom and peace.
By letting the stuff go, I had let go of the burden.
This meant that the stuff didn't control me.
And, it meant that the widower didn't have power over me either.
He couldn't hurt me anymore with the stuff.
God had set me free.

Do I still think that the stuff is rightfully mine? Yes.
But, it's only truly mine if God gives it to me. 
If He doesn't, then it's not meant to be.
I don't feel angry about it anymore.
It's in God's hands now.
I may never see the stuff again, but God gave me something better. 
He gave me freedom and peace.