Almost Christmas

It's almost Christmas. 
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. 
I think that it will be the final stepping stone 
for me to get through. But, I don't think that it 
will be as hard as I had originally thought. I've been 
building up stamina over this past year. I think that
Christmas will be easier to get through then the one year
anniversary of my mom's passing had been. I'm actually 
looking forward to the Christmas holiday. 


I still feel like their is a slight cloud hanging over my head.
That dampens my spirit a little bit. But, like this past year, 
God has come through for me. Gifts in the mail just keep 
on coming. No, gifts aren't everything. Actually, that isn't 
even most of it. It's the fact that anyone would even think to 
send me anything whatsoever. THAT is what amazes me. 
My cousins and friends have once again came through for me.
God came through for me. It still amazes me that so many
people love me. That they would even think to send me a 
gift. 


It has been a little difficult. My step-dad has been on my mind
more often these days. I've been having dreams about him 
more often lately. In the first dream, it was a warm spring or 
summer day. My step-dad, my mother, and I were standing outside
in their driveway next to their camper talking. But, I could never see
my mom in the dream. Only my step-dad. I could hear my mom, but
I never saw her. We were all laughing. My step-dad was being nice to 
me. He was acting like my mother. Overjoyed to see us. His laughter 
flowed freely; he was genuinely happy to have us over to his house. 
His defenses were down, he smiled with ease. 


My husband says that the dream might mean that I would like my
step-dad in my life. But, that I'd like him to be nice, caring, 
genuinely happy to see us. All things that describe my mom. 


The other dream that I had took place in two locations. At the beginning
of the dream, my husband, children, and I were at my in-law's house.
We were there for a get together or a holiday. I told my husband that 
we needed to leave right away to go back to my step-dad's house to 
get the rest of our stuff from there (clothes, duffel bags, etc.) So, we
went to my step-dad's house, and began throwing our stuff up the
basement stairs in order to get it ready to pack up into the car. 
I was in a hurry for some reason. Trying to get packed up and be 
gone before my step-dad got home. Well, he got home before we 
were done. And, he was mad! He started getting mad at me, then
he started talking disrespectfully to me. So, I told him that I wouldn't
let him talk to me that way anymore. I also told him that if he 
didn't stop, then I was walking out the door, and that he'd never 
see me again. To my astonishment, he said, "Fine!". 
I walked out. And, that was it.


Regarding the second dream; my husband told me that maybe it was 
symbolic of the finality of it all. I basically told myself that I'd give 
my step-dad until the end of this year to contact me in person via
phone or in person. He hasn't so far. So, the dream may have been 
my way of coming to terms with the fact that it's probably over with him.
He hasn't acknowledged any of my kids for their birthdays. He never 
acknowledged me by phone since April of this year. I've sent him a 
father's day card, a birthday card, and a Christmas card and gift. 
He wasn't kind enough to reciprocate. And, quite frankly, I don't even
know that I care anymore. I did try. I think I did my best. And, from 
what I can tell, he has made his decision.

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm looking forward to 
a new year. I'm so excited! I just hope that it is as good as I hope. 
I want to do things better and different. I want to help someone. 
I just want next year to be overflowing with so many more blessings. 
I just have to trust that God will make it a great year. 


And, while I'm thinking about it....I really only want three things
for Christmas..........1. Snow for Christmas 2. A cat or dog to adopt us.
3. For the upcoming year to be MUCH better. That's it. There is still 
no snow, but there is 24 hours left before Christmas morning. So, it 
could still happen! 


To anyone reading this, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, 
and a new year that overflows with blessings from above!
 

Another milestone

It was another milestone yesterday. 
Kind of a big one too. 
It was Dec. 11, 2011.
The one year anniversary of my mom's passing.

I wasn't sure how the day would go. 
But, I actually felt quite relieved. 
I made it. A whole year without my mom.
I didn't waste away from all the grief. I didn't die from
all the pain. I have gotten up off my knees.
I survived her loss.
For this reason, I felt a huge sigh of relief. 

I didn't know what I would do for Christmas this year.
What kind of card to send out? Should I write the annual
Christmas letter? Would I even have anything worth writing?
Well, it turned out that I did.

I used Christmas as a way to remember my mom.
I put a picture of her and the kids on the front of the
homemade Christmas card this year. I wrote a letter about 
how I saw God so much this past year. And, I included the poems
called, Footprints In the Sand, Christmas In Heaven, then I 
included my own, Flip Flops in Heaven.
I just hope that my family doesn't find it depressing. 
I did my best; I thought it turned out quite nicely. 
Guess I'll have to wait and see. 

 Just two more events to get through. 
Christmas and New Year's. 
I know that I can do it. I've built up momentum. 
And God is with me. He has been all this time. 
I know that He never left me. 


I wish that I could say that my step-dad is doing just as well.
But, from what I've heard, he is having a hard time. 
He still isn't really talking to me. 
His loss. 


So, I'm ready! I'm ready for Christmas. I'm ready for a New Year.
A new year, a fresh start; hopefully a year holding endless 
blessings to be discovered. 
Much happiness and love; many friends and family.
Yes, I'm excited!
2012...... Here I come! 


Thank-you Lord! Thank-you for walking with me in the valley.
Thank-you for carrying me when I was on my knees. 
Thank-you for never leaving my side. Especially in my darkest
hours. And, thank-you for showing me the light again. I love you!