Heart Stages

I feel like since my mom passed away in December of 2010, 
my heart has undergone several major renovations. 
I call them: heart stages.

Stage 1. Unbroken~  
Before my mom passed away life was good. 
Whole. Complete. Unbroken. 
There was no major pain or loss in my life. 
My heart was intact.

Stage 2. Shattered~  
Life as I knew it was over. 
Broken. Shattered. Irreparable.
My heart felt like it had been shattered 
into a million splintered pieces.

Stage 3. Together/but empty~ 
Grief was over. Healing began.
Cracked. Empty. Transparent. 
God had mended my broken heart back together.

Stage 4. Filling with toxic waste~
My heart was empty. Filling with toxic poison.
Emotional. Psychological. Physical.
An empty heart leaves room for the devil to take a foothold. 

Stage 5. Empty again~
Toxic waste is out. Healing began again. 
Scrubbed. Transparent. Clean. 
Prayed and repented to God. 

Stage 6. Heart filling up~
My heart is filling up and overflowing.
Renewed. Growing. Hope. 
I want my heart to overflow with gratitude, love,
respect, compassion, patience, and all things good.      

Stage 7. Rest~
I can rest assured knowing that God is in control. 
Pray. Wait. Trust. Obey.
I will continue to abide in Him, and He abide in me.     

  
This sums up the past year of my life.  
It's been a long, painful, dark road to travel. 
But, I now see the light. 
I'm so glad that God is so forgiving.
And, I'm thankful that my husband loves me unconditionally. 
I am truly blessed!      

Prayin' and Readin'

Wow! 

I am amazed at the work that God has been doing in my life lately!

During this Lenten season, I've been spending a lot of time 

either reading or in prayer. 

I've been praying that He would cleanse me from the inside out. 

I've been reading books about the areas that I desperately needed cleansing.

Those two things together have been proving to have incredible results. 

I needed to learn anger management. I prayed and read.

I needed to learn to forgive and move on. I prayed and read. 

I needed to stop trying to control everything in my life. I prayed and read.

I needed to learn to tame my tongue. I prayed and read.

I needed to learn how to respect my husband. I prayed and read.

I needed to understand God's unconditional love for me. I prayed and read.

I also had some serious repenting to do. 

I prayed and wept. And, prayed some more.

It is amazing how free I feel after repenting for my sins.

This doesn't mean that my life is perfect now in any way.

Far from it. But, I think that I am growing in a closer relationship with God these days.

I take everything to Him. Committing to be obedient in Him.

And, my reward? 

I've been longing for years that my husband would pray with me.

When I first asked him to pray with me several years ago, 

he was uncomfortable. It felt unnatural to him to pray out loud.

I grew angry and frustrated with him because I wanted him to 

pray out loud. I wanted him to pray my way. 

I let it go for a long time. Then, last night, I took the tools that I 

learned recently, and applied them. I gently asked him 

if he would pray for and with me. I told him he could pray silently or out loud.

I told him it was his choice, and I'd be satisfied with either one that he decided. 

We held hands. I waited. Then, he began to pray out loud! 

Imagine my surprise! 

This, I knew, was my reward from God. 

I have been asking for God to help my husband and I find a way 

to pray together that worked for both of us. 

My husband's prayers meant so much to me; and they touched a depth in my

heart and soul that I don't think that he can even begin to fathom. A depth that

I've been longing for him to touch with prayer for so long. 

It is an awesome thing!

There is still much time before the Lenten season is finished yet. 

But, I am so grateful for all that God has given and shown me thus far.

I cannot imagine what more He holds in store for me! 

May God bless you during this Lenten season and open your eyes to 

new possibilities!  :o)  

Lenten Season

It is well into the Lenten season.

 During this Lenten season, I've been spending much time with God.

And, in doing so, I've been learning to let go of so much more.

Letting go of old anger, hurts, bad habits, worry, anxiety, fear, control (or rather, the illusion of it)

criticism, and complaining. 

It's been hard. But, God has already been working inside my heart; I can tell. 

Instead of getting angry, I pray. 

Instead of criticizing, I look for the bright side of the situation. 

I don't try to control things anymore. 

And, I don't get as frustrated when things don't go as planned.

I let go, and let God. 

He is in the pilot seat now. 

I just don't want to be in that position anymore. 

It's too stressful. Too painful. Too heavy. It just wears me out.

Now, I just let God. 

I let Him guide me.

I let Him show me.

I let Him lead me.

And, I pray.

I wait. 

I listen. 

I follow. 

Yes, I've been letting go of so much more lately. 

Only this time, it is good. 

I've been struggling with anger for a long time.

I lashed out, spoke harshly; I made my own family miserable.

My mind would race and race with anger. It seemed that it controlled me.

I knew that things needed to change. 

For years, I felt like I was in a straight-jacket of anger. 

I wiggled, I twisted, I turned, I pulled, but I never got loose.

Then, I prayed, and I admitted to God that I was not in control of anything.

Nothing. 

That was so painful. 

But, this was the key to my freedom. 

As soon as I prayed and admitted that I was in control of nothing; the shackles fell to the ground.

God purged the anger from my heart. He broke the grip that it had on me.

I could feel myself breathe in deeply as if I hadn't taken a deep breath in years. 

I knew then, that it was over. God had set me free.   

I was no longer a prisoner to anger. 

I prayed about old hurts too. 

And, God set me free from those as well. 

It has been amazing! 

All this time, I thought, "If only we could move, things would be so much better!"

But, in truth, nothing would have been better if we moved, because I was still the same.

Would I still like to move? Most certainly. But, I see now, that it's not the place that makes

things better, but the person. I would've been miserable no matter where we lived.

I needed God to scrub out my heart and fill it with His goodness. 

And, thankfully He has! 

 

The Lenten season isn't over yet, and I'm very excited to see what 

the Lord will reveal to me next. I can hardly wait! 

May our heart be filled with goodness, love and joy.

 

In the desert

I was homeschooling my children today.

We were reading a story that had parallels to Moses' 

40 year trek through the dessert.

Mosses led. His people complained. 

They complained about having no water.

They complained about only having bread to eat.

They complained about having no meat to eat.

They complained about having regrets of leaving Egypt.

As I read the story, I too began to wonder if we were 
behaving much like the people of Egypt. 

My husband leads.  We complain.
We complain about having no friends here.
We complain about being so far from everything.
We complain about being lonely.
We complain about being bored.
We complain about not having any family here.
I complain about not having date nights. 
I have regrets of leaving Ohio, Virginia, and Michigan.

How easy it is for us to see the downside of a situation. 
I also realized that if I were living somewhere else, 
I may find something else to complain about there too. 

So, I wanted to try and flip the coin on the situation.
***If we had a bunch of friends, we may not have 
the same amount of time to spend together as family.

***If we lived in a bigger town, we might get irritated 
with the extra traffic and noise that comes with living 
closer to everything.


***In being lonely and bored, we've found more time for Christ.


***If family lived close by, a good thing could become 
strained or lose it's joy. 


***I have regrets about leaving previous locations 
because it is easy to forget the troubles that I faced in the past. 
I only see the troubles I am facing today. Any place will have
it's own troubles. But, any place will also bring with it new 
joys and blessings.

The only thing that I could not find a positive spin on 
was the lack of alone time with my husband. We are short on funds to do activities or pay for a sitter. And, we don't have family to take our children overnight. Or even for a day. And, this does in fact, put a strain on us and hurt our family as a whole. 


I also thought about how Mosses must have felt listening to all the complaining that went on........ 40 years worth! Did he ever wonder to himself, "I'm doing the best I can, and they're still not happy!" Did he ever say, "You think you were happier in Egypt, then go back already!" 


I wonder what goes through my husband's head sometimes.
I imagine that it might be something similar to what Mosses must
have thought at some point. Things like, "I'm doing my best, 
and I still can't make them happy!" "I wish my wife 
would stop asking me the same questions that require 
answers that I still don't have!" 


Since I see now (again) that complaining isn't going to 
get us anywhere at all, I'm going to try and change my 
point of view about being right where I'm at. It will be hard, 
I confess, since it's easier to complain about a thing then to 
look for the positive side.  I'd still like more friends for 
my children and myself. I'd still like date nights. But, right now, 
this is where God wants us. And, like I told my children, 
"If we can find the positive in a difficult situation, 
it will be much easier to find the good in a great situation."

An Empty Heart

Today, I was thinking about my heart. 
A year ago, it was shattered into a million pieces.
Today, it is put back together. 
But, it's so empty.

I imagine a glass heart, with cracks all over where 
it had been put back together. 
But, I can see clearly through it. 
It is empty. 
And, where happiness, joy, and love once flourished,
it is now empty of good substance and filling up 
with more pain and anger. 

I imagine that the anger is like gray-black swirls of smoke, 
filling up my heart. 
I think that if it fills up enough, it will eventually suffocate me. 
Consume me. 
I imagine that the pain is like red droplets of blood, 
dripping down in between the cracks of my heart.
I don't like this, but I don't know how to make it stop. 
At least not while I'm here.


I want to move. 
I want to help people. 
I want to reach out and not get my hand slapped.
I want to talk to people and not get rejected. 
I want to find good acceptance for me and my family.
I want to belong to a TRUE church family. 
I want my family and I to have an abundance of good friends. 
I want so much. 
It would be so easy for God to give it to us. 
Yet, He does not. 
And, this pains me too. 
I don't understand Him. 
I don't understand why. 
I DO trust Him. 
But, my heart continues to break. 


I thought I was finally out of the grief. 
But, I feel like I simply went from a dark, bleak tunnel of grief, 
to a wasteland of hurt and anger. 
When will the sun shine on us again? 
I know, we must have some rain to enjoy the sun. 
But, it feels like it's been raining on us for over six years.
It's been pouring on me a year. 
When will the sun come out? 
When will I feel the warmth of the Son on my face again? 
I long for this so much. 


I think that we're all worn out.
Depleted. 
And, we all need things that we're all too tired to give. 
This is why I want Son. 
I want Him to restore our souls, our hearts, our faith, our family, 
our marriage, our joy, our happiness. 
We cannot do it ourselves. 
We need Him. 
But, we're so tired of waiting. And, waiting.
But that's all that there seems to do. Wait.
Wait and pray. 

Heavenly Father, 
I know that everything is done in your time, 
I know that you know what is best for us. 
But, I ask that you please help us, restore us, 
give us some sunshine. We really could use some. 
Thank-you. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.


 

What I Thought/What It Really Is

In an older post, I described what it was like coming out of grief. 
It was like standing at the edge of a long, dark, lonely tunnel,
looking forward at a grassy meadow.
Sun shining down upon me.
I thought that every step afterward would be much easier.
Fast forward to this day. 

I feel like I went through the tunnel, I stood in the meadow, 
only to take a few steps more that lead me into a toxic wasteland.
People that I expected to walk with me to the other end, did not.
People I thought would understand, do not. 
People I thought would be there "because we're family", were not.

So, now, I feel as though, I'm walking through a wasteland of confusion,
pain and hurt. The skies are dark, cloudy, they look polluted. 
The ground is barren, dead. The sun doesn't shine in this place.
Words were carelessly tossed about, like rotten pieces of litter.
And, now those words just blow around in my mind like 
a tumbleweed caught in a tornado running through a dessert. 
This feels and looks like my heart. 
Maybe even my whole spirit.


First, my heart was broken into a million pieces when my mom passed away.
My heart has been put back together, but everything feels dead inside.
Nothing grows there. And, very little light shines inside. 
I know that the hardest year is behind me. But, this one isn't proving
to be much better. It seems that when my mom passed away, 
I lost almost everyone else I'm related to. 
But, for now, I chose to remove my in-laws from my life. 
I can't seem to say the right thing. 
Nor do the right thing. 
Ever. 


I need Son for my soul. 
I need people I can call my friends; to become my second family. 
People who can understand me. 
People who can appreciate it when I try to help. 
I need another family. 
I wish I had a family of friends. 
Maybe this would feed my heart and soul. 
Maybe this is what would nourish me in order to grow. 
Then, in turn, I could help nourish another's soul. 
Be a friend to someone else.
But, this isn't happening for me right now. 
And, I doubt it will happen as long as I'm here. 
I desperately want to move. 
I hope we can move someplace better this year. 
But, for now, I have to keep praying and waiting.







 

Losing More Everyday

Well, I'm pretty sure that some people think 
that I'm nothing more then a selfish bitch.
And, other people, I have no idea what they think. 

I really thought that this was going to be a 
better year. But, it's turning out to be 
about as painful as the year before. 


I seem to keep losing, or rather, getting rid of, 
more and more people in my life. 
Before you assume that I'm just too judgmental, 
please know that I've tried my best to get along.

If they didn't like A, I tried B. 
But, usually they would complain about that too. 
If they were having a hard time finding anything
good in their day, I tried to show them the 
blessings to be discovered on the flip side. 
To this, I was met with sarcasm. 


When I failed to reach out for help, 
and told them I wished they would have reached
out more to me; I was accused of expecting 
people to read my mind. When I DID reach out, 
I was accused of being self-centered, and selfish. 
Really? Is there even an option C in this situation?
I don't see one available.

So, I indirectly let the head relative know 
that I'm done being a part of that family........ for good.
Yes, I basically divorced the relatives. 
They only seem to hurt, cut, wound, ignore,
and hurt some more. 


Here is where I'm confused. If they simply want
nothing more then to hurt others, gossip about others,
and spread lies about others, then why am I hurt about
cutting them out? I wish it didn't hurt. 


Is it Christian conscience? Maybe. 
But, I can only handle so many verbal slaps to my face.
Then, I walk away. 

Maybe this isn't all that different from a woman who 
is being abused. She loves the abuser (I love the family 
members), she wants the person in her life (I want the
family in my life), but the abuse doesn't stop. 
She can't say anything right, neither can I. 
She tries to help, but is only met with disrespect.
I tried to help, and I was met with sarcasm and 
disrespect. It just doesn't end. 


To make matters worse, they all treat the other
just as badly. And, none of them want to admit that there
is a problem. They all smile, but then go spread dirt hours 
later. It is a toxic environment at best. 


So, why do I care? Why do I hurt? 
Why won't it stop? 


I really want a better year! And, so far, it is proving 
to not be so. Of all the people I'm related to, 
I don't understand why God couldn't take someone else. 
My mom would not have caused me more grief like these people. 
I still don't understand. 

You may read this and think that I'm being arrogant.
Truth be told, I don't care. I still feel like 
the day my mom passed away, is the day 
I lost my main reason for living and breathing.
Everything else feels like I'm still just getting by. 
Yes, normalcy is beginning to come back into my life.
My memory isn't shot anymore. But, the pain of so much
is still affecting me. I'm still confused. 


Dear Lord, 
Please heal my heart. 
Please bring good people into my life. 
And, please let this year turn for the better! 
Thank-you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.