After reflecting on the past (almost) two
years of my life, I started to think more
and more of Job. Poor Job. The guy lost
everything except for his wife and a handful
of servants. After reading what happened to him
in just a single day, I started to parallel my life to his.
Sure, his was much, much more severe, but I
couldn't help but see some similarities between
his life and mine.
Job lost his oxen, donkeys and servants.
I lost my step-dad and my husband's car.
Lost all his sheep and servants.
I lost my step-family and my husband lost
a job in UT.
Job lost his camels and servants.
I lost my van and my in-laws.
Job lost all 10 of his children to a great wind.
I lost my mom, and the opportunity to move.
Job's body broke out into great sores that
covered his body.
My knee and back flared up; I had to go
to therapy. Anxiety attacks were next.
Three friends told Job that his troubles
were his own doing for hiding something
from God.
Two people verbally slapped me in the face
when I tried to reach out for help and comfort.
Another wasn't there for me when I needed
them most.
Then, God spoke to Job, and Job prayed
for his friends. God sent Job many blessings.
I will admit that it took me a long time before
I could pray for those who hurt and
offended me. I am not as humble as Job.
Quite frankly, I don't know how Job could
pray for his friends so quickly.
*Job's sores went away.
*My knee and back feel better.
*He grew twice as rich.
*We haven't grown twice as rich.
But, surely I have learned twice as much.
*Job had 10 children again.
*My mom cannot be replaced.
*My in-laws still want nothing to do with me.
*My step-family have yet to even
acknowledge me.
*Health, happiness, and honor were
restored to Job.
*I can only hope that God would do the
same for me.
Job was a great man. He loved god deeply.
I wish that I had unwavering faith as Job did.
He is defiantly a great teacher and role model.
Lord,
Please help me create my new normal.
Help me learn the most from my painful
experiences. And, please let them lead me
closer to You. Thank-you.
In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Hard Year
I really thought that this year would be much
easier then the last.
And, it was, in a way.
Sure, the grief was mostly gone.
God put me back together.
But, it seemed that everything else just fell apart.
I had to go to physical therapy for a bad knee.
I noticed that I had lost more of my hearing.
My vehicle was totaled.
About a week later, my husband's vehicle stopped
running altogether.
The following month, we were dealing with an
insurance company from hell.
Then, our computer crashed.
We got a break for about two months.
Then, it started back up again.
My husband got a job offer so we put our house
up for sale.
Then, someone was very interested in it.
They took so long dragging their feet getting back
with us on making an offer, that my husband had
to forfeit the job.
Then, we negotiated with the potential buyer
for a MONTH (because "he's hard to get a hold
of due to his job"); when it came down to the final price,
our last offer, the guy walked.
Then, September rolled around.
And, things finally started to turn for the better.
My knee is feeling better.
I went to talk about new hearing aids today;
turns out someone might be able to help me
get them covered.
We replaced my husband's vehicle right away.
But, I waited 7 long months to get one for myself.
Our computer was repaired.
And, we got a sweet dog.
We still haven't sold our house.
But, I'm alright with that.
It's been a difficult two years, but I believe that
it is finally turning around for the better.
And, I know, without a doubt, that God is behind it
every step of my way.
Thank-you, Lord.
I admit that I do not understand your
plans for my life.
But, my hope, trust, and faith lie in You.
Amen
easier then the last.
And, it was, in a way.
Sure, the grief was mostly gone.
God put me back together.
But, it seemed that everything else just fell apart.
I had to go to physical therapy for a bad knee.
I noticed that I had lost more of my hearing.
My vehicle was totaled.
About a week later, my husband's vehicle stopped
running altogether.
The following month, we were dealing with an
insurance company from hell.
Then, our computer crashed.
We got a break for about two months.
Then, it started back up again.
My husband got a job offer so we put our house
up for sale.
Then, someone was very interested in it.
They took so long dragging their feet getting back
with us on making an offer, that my husband had
to forfeit the job.
Then, we negotiated with the potential buyer
for a MONTH (because "he's hard to get a hold
of due to his job"); when it came down to the final price,
our last offer, the guy walked.
Then, September rolled around.
And, things finally started to turn for the better.
My knee is feeling better.
I went to talk about new hearing aids today;
turns out someone might be able to help me
get them covered.
We replaced my husband's vehicle right away.
But, I waited 7 long months to get one for myself.
Our computer was repaired.
And, we got a sweet dog.
We still haven't sold our house.
But, I'm alright with that.
It's been a difficult two years, but I believe that
it is finally turning around for the better.
And, I know, without a doubt, that God is behind it
every step of my way.
Thank-you, Lord.
I admit that I do not understand your
plans for my life.
But, my hope, trust, and faith lie in You.
Amen
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
All My Whys
Why didn't you leave him?
I could have helped you.
Why didn't you tell me what he was doing to you?
I would have helped you.
Why did you let him hurt you?
I wouldn't have let him.
Why did you let him control you for so long?
I tried to show you.
Why didn't you put a stop to it?
I wanted him to stop.
Why did you lie to me?
He didn't love or care about us.
Why didn't you warn me about how he would be?
It would have prepared me.
Why did you ever listen to him?
He only spoke lies.
Why did you ever believe him?
He only deceives.
Why didn't I see what was happening?
Because you kept most of it from me.
How did I not recognize your pain?
Because you wore a mask.
Why didn't I care enough?
Because I was selfish.
Why didn't I understand what was happening?
Because I couldn't imagine a husband both loving and
hurting his own wife.
May you rest in peace.
May you have peace from the games, the lies,
the mask, the deceit, the hurt, the pain, and your own grief.
May you finally have peace.
In God's name, may you have peace. Amen.
I could have helped you.
Why didn't you tell me what he was doing to you?
I would have helped you.
Why did you let him hurt you?
I wouldn't have let him.
Why did you let him control you for so long?
I tried to show you.
Why didn't you put a stop to it?
I wanted him to stop.
Why did you lie to me?
He didn't love or care about us.
Why didn't you warn me about how he would be?
It would have prepared me.
Why did you ever listen to him?
He only spoke lies.
Why did you ever believe him?
He only deceives.
Why didn't I see what was happening?
Because you kept most of it from me.
How did I not recognize your pain?
Because you wore a mask.
Why didn't I care enough?
Because I was selfish.
Why didn't I understand what was happening?
Because I couldn't imagine a husband both loving and
hurting his own wife.
May you rest in peace.
May you have peace from the games, the lies,
the mask, the deceit, the hurt, the pain, and your own grief.
May you finally have peace.
In God's name, may you have peace. Amen.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
God's Children
God's Children.
We come in all different shapes, sizes and colors.
Some are old, some are very young, and then there are
those of us who are smack dab in the middle.
We have good jobs, good grades, and we go to church
because we should. We're clean cut and smell good.
Our families intact. These are God's children. Right?
Last week, after we read our devotion, I gave my children
a talk about how Jesus reached out to the lowest people
in his time. The outcasts, thieves, loners, etc.
And, how we should try and do the same.
A week later, in came a very sweet, unknown little person
that my children had invited over to play. They offered
him a cup, and told him to help himself to the fridge
for a drink of juice. A stranger was looking
in my refrigerator! I held the same feeling of alarm
as if he went shuffling through my underwear drawer.
But, eventually I could see that the child was harmless,
and I quieted down and settled in to read a good book.
Twenty minutes later, all the children went outside to play.
I went in to check out our playroom where the children
had been playing. An odor seemed to hang in the air
of the room. It was awful! This child had very bad B.O.,
and I happen to have a very sensitive nose!
So, I was debating weather to allow my kids to play
with him or not. I decided it was best to wait for my husband
to arrive home from work in order to ask him. So I did.
What should we do? Should we let this child come over
to play in the future? Or should we keep our distance?
My husband told me to let the child come over to play.
Then, no sooner did my husband finish answering the question,
did I hear God say, "Uh-hmm! Remember that talk
that you gave to the kids last week? How I reached out to misfits?
Well, they don't always smell the best. Or dress the best.
You asked me to show you a way to reach out.
And here he is.....a little blond headed, blue eyed boy."
I think that it's easy when God calls us to do His clean work.
The easy stuff. The stuff we enjoy doing, with the people that we
enjoy doing it with. And, I think that it's easy to write off those
children of His that smell badly, who may not have the best clothes,
or whose house isn't picked up and in perfect order.
But, these are the ones who may most need to know
that God loves them. Because they are God's children too.
"Then the King will say to those on the right, "Come, you who
are blessed by my father; take our inheritance, the kingdom prepared
for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you
gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something
to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in. " (Matt. 25:34-35)
"Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you
hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes
and clothe you?" (Matt. 25:37-38)
"The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did
for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
(Matt. 25:40)
We come in all different shapes, sizes and colors.
Some are old, some are very young, and then there are
those of us who are smack dab in the middle.
We have good jobs, good grades, and we go to church
because we should. We're clean cut and smell good.
Our families intact. These are God's children. Right?
Last week, after we read our devotion, I gave my children
a talk about how Jesus reached out to the lowest people
in his time. The outcasts, thieves, loners, etc.
And, how we should try and do the same.
A week later, in came a very sweet, unknown little person
that my children had invited over to play. They offered
him a cup, and told him to help himself to the fridge
for a drink of juice. A stranger was looking
in my refrigerator! I held the same feeling of alarm
as if he went shuffling through my underwear drawer.
But, eventually I could see that the child was harmless,
and I quieted down and settled in to read a good book.
Twenty minutes later, all the children went outside to play.
I went in to check out our playroom where the children
had been playing. An odor seemed to hang in the air
of the room. It was awful! This child had very bad B.O.,
and I happen to have a very sensitive nose!
So, I was debating weather to allow my kids to play
with him or not. I decided it was best to wait for my husband
to arrive home from work in order to ask him. So I did.
What should we do? Should we let this child come over
to play in the future? Or should we keep our distance?
My husband told me to let the child come over to play.
Then, no sooner did my husband finish answering the question,
did I hear God say, "Uh-hmm! Remember that talk
that you gave to the kids last week? How I reached out to misfits?
Well, they don't always smell the best. Or dress the best.
You asked me to show you a way to reach out.
And here he is.....a little blond headed, blue eyed boy."
I think that it's easy when God calls us to do His clean work.
The easy stuff. The stuff we enjoy doing, with the people that we
enjoy doing it with. And, I think that it's easy to write off those
children of His that smell badly, who may not have the best clothes,
or whose house isn't picked up and in perfect order.
But, these are the ones who may most need to know
that God loves them. Because they are God's children too.
"Then the King will say to those on the right, "Come, you who
are blessed by my father; take our inheritance, the kingdom prepared
for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you
gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something
to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in. " (Matt. 25:34-35)
"Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you
hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?
When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes
and clothe you?" (Matt. 25:37-38)
"The King will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did
for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
(Matt. 25:40)
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Hard of Understanding
Hard of Hearing.
Moderate to severe hearing loss.
Hearing impaired.
They're all the same.
They all describe me.
They all simply mean that my ears don't function as intended.
This doesn't mean that I can't think.
This doesn't mean that I'm stupid.
This doesn't mean that I should not, or cannot lead a normal productive life.
It also doesn't give people the right to be blatantly rude towards me.
Nor does it mean that people have the right to tell me, "Never mind",
when I fail to understand them because THEY failed to look at me when
they were talking to me.
I refuse to believe that it is only my fault when I misunderstand someone talking.
I refuse to allow people to ignore me as if I'm not even present... and get away with it.
I refuse to lip read while the person is talking with food in their mouth.
I refuse to answer to or talk with someone who chooses not to look at
me when they're talking.
Things need to change.
There is no reason why I need to put up with the ignorance
and just sheer stupidity of hearing people who think
that they're better then I just because they can hear.
That is just wrong.
I don't know how, but I need to find a way to make things better for myself.
I need to gain my confidence back.
Take back my quality of life.
I am hearing impaired or hard of hearing,
but I prefer a new term I heard recently,
"Hard of Understanding".
That is much more accurate.
I struggle to understand so much more then I struggle to hear.
But hearing people struggle to hear and listen.
I don't have anything against hearing people.
I'm married to one, and all my children are hearing.
I just have something against disrespect, ignorance, and
impatience.
So, if you see me on the street, just smile.
If you want to say "Hello", make sure you have my attention.
Make sure that I can see your face in order to read your lips.
Speak clearly and don't yell or over pronounce your words.
And, have patience with me.
If you do these things, you'll probably gain a loyal friend. :o)
Moderate to severe hearing loss.
Hearing impaired.
They're all the same.
They all describe me.
They all simply mean that my ears don't function as intended.
This doesn't mean that I can't think.
This doesn't mean that I'm stupid.
This doesn't mean that I should not, or cannot lead a normal productive life.
It also doesn't give people the right to be blatantly rude towards me.
Nor does it mean that people have the right to tell me, "Never mind",
when I fail to understand them because THEY failed to look at me when
they were talking to me.
I refuse to believe that it is only my fault when I misunderstand someone talking.
I refuse to allow people to ignore me as if I'm not even present... and get away with it.
I refuse to lip read while the person is talking with food in their mouth.
I refuse to answer to or talk with someone who chooses not to look at
me when they're talking.
Things need to change.
There is no reason why I need to put up with the ignorance
and just sheer stupidity of hearing people who think
that they're better then I just because they can hear.
That is just wrong.
I don't know how, but I need to find a way to make things better for myself.
I need to gain my confidence back.
Take back my quality of life.
I am hearing impaired or hard of hearing,
but I prefer a new term I heard recently,
"Hard of Understanding".
That is much more accurate.
I struggle to understand so much more then I struggle to hear.
But hearing people struggle to hear and listen.
I don't have anything against hearing people.
I'm married to one, and all my children are hearing.
I just have something against disrespect, ignorance, and
impatience.
So, if you see me on the street, just smile.
If you want to say "Hello", make sure you have my attention.
Make sure that I can see your face in order to read your lips.
Speak clearly and don't yell or over pronounce your words.
And, have patience with me.
If you do these things, you'll probably gain a loyal friend. :o)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Mother's Day Again
So Mother's Day is comin' around the corner again.
I find myself taking more and more deep breaths lately.
I know that it won't be nearly as hard as last year.
But, I still miss Her.
I can't exactly order flowers and have them delivered
to the cemetery.
I know that I'll think of something though.
Maybe I'll do what I did last year; release a balloon up to
Heaven for my mom. Or lay flowers at the campground
where she used to go camping.
I might have flowers delivered to the women who have
stuck close to me this past year; even though they're not my parent.
Or, maybe I'll just send flowers to every woman who has
meant something to me in my life! Now, that is a crazy, awesome idea!
Maybe I'll even send some anonymously.
It's good to celebrate the living while they're still here.
Flowers don't really do a whole lot of good once they're gone.
So, here's to mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins, aunts and best friends......
May you have a beautiful and blessed Mother's Day! :)
I find myself taking more and more deep breaths lately.
I know that it won't be nearly as hard as last year.
But, I still miss Her.
I can't exactly order flowers and have them delivered
to the cemetery.
I know that I'll think of something though.
Maybe I'll do what I did last year; release a balloon up to
Heaven for my mom. Or lay flowers at the campground
where she used to go camping.
I might have flowers delivered to the women who have
stuck close to me this past year; even though they're not my parent.
Or, maybe I'll just send flowers to every woman who has
meant something to me in my life! Now, that is a crazy, awesome idea!
Maybe I'll even send some anonymously.
It's good to celebrate the living while they're still here.
Flowers don't really do a whole lot of good once they're gone.
So, here's to mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins, aunts and best friends......
May you have a beautiful and blessed Mother's Day! :)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Re-decorating
Re-decorating.
I want to do some re-decorating so much.
But, I can't.
I want to take down the cloth shower curtain,
but I can't.
I want to re-arrange some pictures,
but I can't.
I can't because my home was the last place I saw my mom alive.
And, I don't want to change anything.
I'm afraid to change anything.
I'm afraid that it will hurt.
That I'll forget her.
My solution?
I want to move.
I figure that if we move, it will be a fresh start.
New textiles, new pictures, new things; with some of the
old mingled in together.
A new location, new scenery, with a hint of the familiar.
Hopefully new friends, fresh faces, while not forgetting the
loyal, familiar friends and family we leave behind.
Dusting off the last of the old, stale grief.
Storing her in my heart where she belongs,
and where she will be close and not forgotten.
I'm not running away. Just starting over.
Looking for a positive change.
I need something wonderfully different in my life.
An awesome opportunity.
My husband has applied for just such an opportunity.
He applied for a new job in a new state.
I try not to get carried away.
But my heart cannot help but leap and hope in the
unknown possibilities.
Inspiration is being awakened again.
I know that this is all in God's hands.
It's all about His will for us.
In the meantime, we wait patiently and pray.
I want to do some re-decorating so much.
But, I can't.
I want to take down the cloth shower curtain,
but I can't.
I want to re-arrange some pictures,
but I can't.
I can't because my home was the last place I saw my mom alive.
And, I don't want to change anything.
I'm afraid to change anything.
I'm afraid that it will hurt.
That I'll forget her.
My solution?
I want to move.
I figure that if we move, it will be a fresh start.
New textiles, new pictures, new things; with some of the
old mingled in together.
A new location, new scenery, with a hint of the familiar.
Hopefully new friends, fresh faces, while not forgetting the
loyal, familiar friends and family we leave behind.
Dusting off the last of the old, stale grief.
Storing her in my heart where she belongs,
and where she will be close and not forgotten.
I'm not running away. Just starting over.
Looking for a positive change.
I need something wonderfully different in my life.
An awesome opportunity.
My husband has applied for just such an opportunity.
He applied for a new job in a new state.
I try not to get carried away.
But my heart cannot help but leap and hope in the
unknown possibilities.
Inspiration is being awakened again.
I know that this is all in God's hands.
It's all about His will for us.
In the meantime, we wait patiently and pray.
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