So, things have been going good lately.
My life is getting up to speed.
I've found "normal" again.
Then, "Whack!"; yup, another bout of grief.
It started early with pain and frustration.
Then, that turned into anger.
I'm still hurt and angry.
I just want to put the past and grief behind me.
No matter what I say, it's wrong.
No matter what I do, it's wrong.
All this frustration, pain and anger made me start to really miss my mom.
Then, I bumped my CD player by accident, and it started playing a song
that always reminds me of her. Well, then I just lost it. I cried.
I felt better for a brief time, but then came all the emotions again.
I just wish all the pain, frustration, and anger would stop.
I want my life back as it was. But, that will never happen.
It seems to me, that every time I gain some normalcy,
I slide backwards a few steps. Back into grief. I hate that part.
But, what I think makes it so much harder, isn't the one who died,
but the ones living that continue to hurt me. That's just not right.
It's not fair. And, it just flat out sucks!
No, I don't know what to do.
Only God can see my heart, and only He can
ease the pain. In the meantime, I guess I just keep
praying and waiting.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Don't Judge Me
A few days ago, God put it in my heart to be quiet.
How silence can be powerful.
I have a hard time being quiet.
I always feel like speaking my mind.
I always feel like trying to right a wrong.
Trying to speak the truth.
But, I also see that I can speak using harsh words.
Words that do not comfort, and bring relief; but ones
that cut and injure.
I can communicate much better if I use honey, then if I use vinegar.
Yet, when my defenses are up, my heart broken, it seems easier to
use words that deflect, protect, and lash out.
I have a passion for God, for Christ. But, I use that passion in
a way that scorns. In a way that, rather then drawing non-believers
to Christ, it makes them run in the other direction.
I'm learning that love speaks volumes louder then criticism.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to learn this lesson,
or why it seems so hard to learn.
But, upon this realization, I've come to wish that I didn't have
to wear my hearing aids. I guess I figure that if I can't hear, then
I won't speak (because I don't like to speak when I can't hear my voice),
if I won't speak, then I cannot offend. It all seemed to make perfect sense to me.
But, then God shared with me something else. I cannot use my hearing loss
as a way to escape. I cannot use it to take the easy way out.
So, with hearing aids intact, I'm trying to keep my mouth shut.
I wait, I listen, and then speak.
This isn't the first time God has run this lesson through me.
Probably won't be the last.
But, each time I struggle with a different part of the lesson.
Before, I struggled with listening.
Now, I listen. But, I struggle with keeping my mouth shut.
I'm not sure when to speak and when to keep quiet.
Oftentimes it's hard to tell the difference.
But, I'm sure that with God's help and wisdom,
I'll eventually get the hang of it.
May God give me the wisdom to use words of love and honey,
rather then anger and vinegar. May my words be warm, and
inviting and lead people to God rather then make them want to
run in the other direction. Amen.
Do you deal with the same issues?
Please let me know, and share how you deal with it.
But, please don't judge me. I'm already fully aware that
I'm not perfect, and I don't need someone else to point it out.
Thank-you.
How silence can be powerful.
I have a hard time being quiet.
I always feel like speaking my mind.
I always feel like trying to right a wrong.
Trying to speak the truth.
But, I also see that I can speak using harsh words.
Words that do not comfort, and bring relief; but ones
that cut and injure.
I can communicate much better if I use honey, then if I use vinegar.
Yet, when my defenses are up, my heart broken, it seems easier to
use words that deflect, protect, and lash out.
I have a passion for God, for Christ. But, I use that passion in
a way that scorns. In a way that, rather then drawing non-believers
to Christ, it makes them run in the other direction.
I'm learning that love speaks volumes louder then criticism.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to learn this lesson,
or why it seems so hard to learn.
But, upon this realization, I've come to wish that I didn't have
to wear my hearing aids. I guess I figure that if I can't hear, then
I won't speak (because I don't like to speak when I can't hear my voice),
if I won't speak, then I cannot offend. It all seemed to make perfect sense to me.
But, then God shared with me something else. I cannot use my hearing loss
as a way to escape. I cannot use it to take the easy way out.
So, with hearing aids intact, I'm trying to keep my mouth shut.
I wait, I listen, and then speak.
This isn't the first time God has run this lesson through me.
Probably won't be the last.
But, each time I struggle with a different part of the lesson.
Before, I struggled with listening.
Now, I listen. But, I struggle with keeping my mouth shut.
I'm not sure when to speak and when to keep quiet.
Oftentimes it's hard to tell the difference.
But, I'm sure that with God's help and wisdom,
I'll eventually get the hang of it.
May God give me the wisdom to use words of love and honey,
rather then anger and vinegar. May my words be warm, and
inviting and lead people to God rather then make them want to
run in the other direction. Amen.
Do you deal with the same issues?
Please let me know, and share how you deal with it.
But, please don't judge me. I'm already fully aware that
I'm not perfect, and I don't need someone else to point it out.
Thank-you.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year's Resolutions
Well, I didn't get my snow.
I didn't get my cat.
And, my year got off to a rough start.
But, I'm still optimistic.
God has been doing some unusual,
yet amazing things in my life.
And, I'm quite excited.
But, I must confess, I'd still like the cat,
and I can still tell that the year will be a good one.
But, I want to talk about New Year's resolutions.
Most everyone makes them.
They want to lose weight and get into shape.
Quit smoking.
Eat healthier.
Well, round is a shape.
I don't smoke.
And, I try to eat better;
some days are more successful then others.
I know, a Snickers bar does not constitute
as a healthy lunch, no matter how much
it "really satisfies".
I wanted to make a different kind of
resolution this year.
And, I heard a message loud and clear......... at church.
(The fact that I picked up anything is astonishing to me,
considering I have a profound hearing loss.)
It's not your typical cliche.
It's not going to the gym,
it's not working out,
or drinking vegetable smoothies.
It's not about tithing more,
or being more diligent about confessing your sins.
No, this one is different.
It's simple.
And, you don't have to do a single sit-up.
How about this for a novel idea?
Giving your time.
Giving your love.
Giving of yourself.
So often we lose time.
It gets sucked up by I-pods, I-pads, cell phones,
television, video games, and movies.
And, once it's gone, we can never get it back.
Time is probably our single most valuable asset.
There are people who crave nothing more then
for someone who will sit and share their time with them.
It could be a lonely neighbor, an elderly shut-in,
or maybe even your own spouse or child.
It can be easy to overlook our own family members
when we take their presence for granted.
Love.
It's so easy to go through an entire day and not say,
"I love you". We get caught up in our daily busyness,
and keep thinking that we'll just tell our loved one later,
or another time, or tomorrow.
Well, what if your loved one was gone tomorrow?
Would you have regret if you never got to tell them,
"I love you", again?
The last time I ever told my mom that I loved her
was the day before she died.
I was so grateful for that.
My husband tells me that he loves me
every single day before he leaves for work.
Sure, I'm still half asleep (usually more then half),
but I still know when he tells me.
And, I tell him every morning before he leaves.
Sure, sometimes it comes out more as a slur of words,
but he understands my sleep induced speech.
We're good like that.
And, how about showing our love?
Do we give people the patience that they deserve?
Do we treat our own family members as well
as we treat our friends?
Do we occasionally put out the fine china for
our husband and children the way that we do
for special guests?
Do we show those that mean most to us,
how much we care and appreciate them?
And, giving of yourself.
Do we go out of our way to help another human being?
Or do you give yourself to God in prayer each day?
There are so many ways that we can give of ourselves.
We just need to look.
These are my New Year's resolutions.
I've already taken some steps in order
to carry them out.
I have a husband and three children who
beg me for some of my time and love everyday.
And, I confess, I need to stop overlooking them.
I need to give more of myself to God too.
Sure, I'll still be praying for God to show me how
I can spend time with someone outside of my family.
I'll be praying for Him to show me who else
I can show my love.
But, I need to remember that I have four individuals
already here who need those things first and foremost.
So, maybe you already made your New Year's resolution.
But, is it one that will truly make a difference in your life and the life of another human being?
If not, you can always start a new one tomorrow.
May God guide your steps,
and may your new year be overflowing
with many new blessings! :o)
I didn't get my cat.
And, my year got off to a rough start.
But, I'm still optimistic.
God has been doing some unusual,
yet amazing things in my life.
And, I'm quite excited.
But, I must confess, I'd still like the cat,
and I can still tell that the year will be a good one.
But, I want to talk about New Year's resolutions.
Most everyone makes them.
They want to lose weight and get into shape.
Quit smoking.
Eat healthier.
Well, round is a shape.
I don't smoke.
And, I try to eat better;
some days are more successful then others.
I know, a Snickers bar does not constitute
as a healthy lunch, no matter how much
it "really satisfies".
I wanted to make a different kind of
resolution this year.
And, I heard a message loud and clear......... at church.
(The fact that I picked up anything is astonishing to me,
considering I have a profound hearing loss.)
It's not your typical cliche.
It's not going to the gym,
it's not working out,
or drinking vegetable smoothies.
It's not about tithing more,
or being more diligent about confessing your sins.
No, this one is different.
It's simple.
And, you don't have to do a single sit-up.
How about this for a novel idea?
Giving your time.
Giving your love.
Giving of yourself.
So often we lose time.
It gets sucked up by I-pods, I-pads, cell phones,
television, video games, and movies.
And, once it's gone, we can never get it back.
Time is probably our single most valuable asset.
There are people who crave nothing more then
for someone who will sit and share their time with them.
It could be a lonely neighbor, an elderly shut-in,
or maybe even your own spouse or child.
It can be easy to overlook our own family members
when we take their presence for granted.
Love.
It's so easy to go through an entire day and not say,
"I love you". We get caught up in our daily busyness,
and keep thinking that we'll just tell our loved one later,
or another time, or tomorrow.
Well, what if your loved one was gone tomorrow?
Would you have regret if you never got to tell them,
"I love you", again?
The last time I ever told my mom that I loved her
was the day before she died.
I was so grateful for that.
My husband tells me that he loves me
every single day before he leaves for work.
Sure, I'm still half asleep (usually more then half),
but I still know when he tells me.
And, I tell him every morning before he leaves.
Sure, sometimes it comes out more as a slur of words,
but he understands my sleep induced speech.
We're good like that.
And, how about showing our love?
Do we give people the patience that they deserve?
Do we treat our own family members as well
as we treat our friends?
Do we occasionally put out the fine china for
our husband and children the way that we do
for special guests?
Do we show those that mean most to us,
how much we care and appreciate them?
And, giving of yourself.
Do we go out of our way to help another human being?
Or do you give yourself to God in prayer each day?
There are so many ways that we can give of ourselves.
We just need to look.
These are my New Year's resolutions.
I've already taken some steps in order
to carry them out.
I have a husband and three children who
beg me for some of my time and love everyday.
And, I confess, I need to stop overlooking them.
I need to give more of myself to God too.
Sure, I'll still be praying for God to show me how
I can spend time with someone outside of my family.
I'll be praying for Him to show me who else
I can show my love.
But, I need to remember that I have four individuals
already here who need those things first and foremost.
So, maybe you already made your New Year's resolution.
But, is it one that will truly make a difference in your life and the life of another human being?
If not, you can always start a new one tomorrow.
May God guide your steps,
and may your new year be overflowing
with many new blessings! :o)
Monday, January 2, 2012
Spring Cleaning
So, I started spring cleaning a few days ago.
Un-cluttering closets.
Creating a pile of items to donate.
Clearing the dust in forgotten spaces.
You get the idea.
But, I also had to un-clutter my life of more people.
A whole lot of more people.
It's sad really.
I wanted to be in their lives.
I wanted them in mine.
But, when they primarily complain about the everyday things in life,
nothing major whatsoever, it begins to get on my nerves.
They don't show gratitude. They whine.
And, these people are also offended by the truth.
They don't want to hear it, practice it, or live it.
No, with some people, it is all a soap opera of who said what to whom.
Everyone stabbing everyone, while they all look on innocently.
Am I innocent? No.
But, I do love the truth.
It sets a person free.
These people would rather stay shackled to their drama,
lies, deceit, and pride.
So be it.
Let them tear each other down, tear each other apart;
let them speak to each other with lying lips, and wound each other endlessly.
I want no part of it anymore.
I've been around long enough to know that people do not often change.
They want to improve to be better in their own eyes, not God's eyes.
Because changing to be better in God's eyes requires much more
sacrifice, usually much more pain, and a strong desire to go
after God's own heart.
It's a new year.
With the death of my mom, I went through enough pain for one year.
And, holding onto people who only speak lies,
and who only bring harm,
are not worth holding onto.
So, along with clearing my life of too much stuff,
I'm also setting myself free of too many hurtful individuals.
It's a brand new year!
And, I hope that God gives us an outpouring of many
new blessings and much happiness.
Because I am ready for a wonderful new adventure!
And, may He bless you too! :o)
Un-cluttering closets.
Creating a pile of items to donate.
Clearing the dust in forgotten spaces.
You get the idea.
But, I also had to un-clutter my life of more people.
A whole lot of more people.
It's sad really.
I wanted to be in their lives.
I wanted them in mine.
But, when they primarily complain about the everyday things in life,
nothing major whatsoever, it begins to get on my nerves.
They don't show gratitude. They whine.
And, these people are also offended by the truth.
They don't want to hear it, practice it, or live it.
No, with some people, it is all a soap opera of who said what to whom.
Everyone stabbing everyone, while they all look on innocently.
Am I innocent? No.
But, I do love the truth.
It sets a person free.
These people would rather stay shackled to their drama,
lies, deceit, and pride.
So be it.
Let them tear each other down, tear each other apart;
let them speak to each other with lying lips, and wound each other endlessly.
I want no part of it anymore.
I've been around long enough to know that people do not often change.
They want to improve to be better in their own eyes, not God's eyes.
Because changing to be better in God's eyes requires much more
sacrifice, usually much more pain, and a strong desire to go
after God's own heart.
It's a new year.
With the death of my mom, I went through enough pain for one year.
And, holding onto people who only speak lies,
and who only bring harm,
are not worth holding onto.
So, along with clearing my life of too much stuff,
I'm also setting myself free of too many hurtful individuals.
It's a brand new year!
And, I hope that God gives us an outpouring of many
new blessings and much happiness.
Because I am ready for a wonderful new adventure!
And, may He bless you too! :o)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Almost Christmas
It's almost Christmas.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
I think that it will be the final stepping stone
for me to get through. But, I don't think that it
will be as hard as I had originally thought. I've been
building up stamina over this past year. I think that
Christmas will be easier to get through then the one year
anniversary of my mom's passing had been. I'm actually
looking forward to the Christmas holiday.
I still feel like their is a slight cloud hanging over my head.
That dampens my spirit a little bit. But, like this past year,
God has come through for me. Gifts in the mail just keep
on coming. No, gifts aren't everything. Actually, that isn't
even most of it. It's the fact that anyone would even think to
send me anything whatsoever. THAT is what amazes me.
My cousins and friends have once again came through for me.
God came through for me. It still amazes me that so many
people love me. That they would even think to send me a
gift.
It has been a little difficult. My step-dad has been on my mind
more often these days. I've been having dreams about him
more often lately. In the first dream, it was a warm spring or
summer day. My step-dad, my mother, and I were standing outside
in their driveway next to their camper talking. But, I could never see
my mom in the dream. Only my step-dad. I could hear my mom, but
I never saw her. We were all laughing. My step-dad was being nice to
me. He was acting like my mother. Overjoyed to see us. His laughter
flowed freely; he was genuinely happy to have us over to his house.
His defenses were down, he smiled with ease.
My husband says that the dream might mean that I would like my
step-dad in my life. But, that I'd like him to be nice, caring,
genuinely happy to see us. All things that describe my mom.
The other dream that I had took place in two locations. At the beginning
of the dream, my husband, children, and I were at my in-law's house.
We were there for a get together or a holiday. I told my husband that
we needed to leave right away to go back to my step-dad's house to
get the rest of our stuff from there (clothes, duffel bags, etc.) So, we
went to my step-dad's house, and began throwing our stuff up the
basement stairs in order to get it ready to pack up into the car.
I was in a hurry for some reason. Trying to get packed up and be
gone before my step-dad got home. Well, he got home before we
were done. And, he was mad! He started getting mad at me, then
he started talking disrespectfully to me. So, I told him that I wouldn't
let him talk to me that way anymore. I also told him that if he
didn't stop, then I was walking out the door, and that he'd never
see me again. To my astonishment, he said, "Fine!".
I walked out. And, that was it.
Regarding the second dream; my husband told me that maybe it was
symbolic of the finality of it all. I basically told myself that I'd give
my step-dad until the end of this year to contact me in person via
phone or in person. He hasn't so far. So, the dream may have been
my way of coming to terms with the fact that it's probably over with him.
He hasn't acknowledged any of my kids for their birthdays. He never
acknowledged me by phone since April of this year. I've sent him a
father's day card, a birthday card, and a Christmas card and gift.
He wasn't kind enough to reciprocate. And, quite frankly, I don't even
know that I care anymore. I did try. I think I did my best. And, from
what I can tell, he has made his decision.
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm looking forward to
a new year. I'm so excited! I just hope that it is as good as I hope.
I want to do things better and different. I want to help someone.
I just want next year to be overflowing with so many more blessings.
I just have to trust that God will make it a great year.
And, while I'm thinking about it....I really only want three things
for Christmas..........1. Snow for Christmas 2. A cat or dog to adopt us.
3. For the upcoming year to be MUCH better. That's it. There is still
no snow, but there is 24 hours left before Christmas morning. So, it
could still happen!
To anyone reading this, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas,
and a new year that overflows with blessings from above!
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
I think that it will be the final stepping stone
for me to get through. But, I don't think that it
will be as hard as I had originally thought. I've been
building up stamina over this past year. I think that
Christmas will be easier to get through then the one year
anniversary of my mom's passing had been. I'm actually
looking forward to the Christmas holiday.
I still feel like their is a slight cloud hanging over my head.
That dampens my spirit a little bit. But, like this past year,
God has come through for me. Gifts in the mail just keep
on coming. No, gifts aren't everything. Actually, that isn't
even most of it. It's the fact that anyone would even think to
send me anything whatsoever. THAT is what amazes me.
My cousins and friends have once again came through for me.
God came through for me. It still amazes me that so many
people love me. That they would even think to send me a
gift.
It has been a little difficult. My step-dad has been on my mind
more often these days. I've been having dreams about him
more often lately. In the first dream, it was a warm spring or
summer day. My step-dad, my mother, and I were standing outside
in their driveway next to their camper talking. But, I could never see
my mom in the dream. Only my step-dad. I could hear my mom, but
I never saw her. We were all laughing. My step-dad was being nice to
me. He was acting like my mother. Overjoyed to see us. His laughter
flowed freely; he was genuinely happy to have us over to his house.
His defenses were down, he smiled with ease.
My husband says that the dream might mean that I would like my
step-dad in my life. But, that I'd like him to be nice, caring,
genuinely happy to see us. All things that describe my mom.
The other dream that I had took place in two locations. At the beginning
of the dream, my husband, children, and I were at my in-law's house.
We were there for a get together or a holiday. I told my husband that
we needed to leave right away to go back to my step-dad's house to
get the rest of our stuff from there (clothes, duffel bags, etc.) So, we
went to my step-dad's house, and began throwing our stuff up the
basement stairs in order to get it ready to pack up into the car.
I was in a hurry for some reason. Trying to get packed up and be
gone before my step-dad got home. Well, he got home before we
were done. And, he was mad! He started getting mad at me, then
he started talking disrespectfully to me. So, I told him that I wouldn't
let him talk to me that way anymore. I also told him that if he
didn't stop, then I was walking out the door, and that he'd never
see me again. To my astonishment, he said, "Fine!".
I walked out. And, that was it.
Regarding the second dream; my husband told me that maybe it was
symbolic of the finality of it all. I basically told myself that I'd give
my step-dad until the end of this year to contact me in person via
phone or in person. He hasn't so far. So, the dream may have been
my way of coming to terms with the fact that it's probably over with him.
He hasn't acknowledged any of my kids for their birthdays. He never
acknowledged me by phone since April of this year. I've sent him a
father's day card, a birthday card, and a Christmas card and gift.
He wasn't kind enough to reciprocate. And, quite frankly, I don't even
know that I care anymore. I did try. I think I did my best. And, from
what I can tell, he has made his decision.
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm looking forward to
a new year. I'm so excited! I just hope that it is as good as I hope.
I want to do things better and different. I want to help someone.
I just want next year to be overflowing with so many more blessings.
I just have to trust that God will make it a great year.
And, while I'm thinking about it....I really only want three things
for Christmas..........1. Snow for Christmas 2. A cat or dog to adopt us.
3. For the upcoming year to be MUCH better. That's it. There is still
no snow, but there is 24 hours left before Christmas morning. So, it
could still happen!
To anyone reading this, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas,
and a new year that overflows with blessings from above!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Another milestone
It was another milestone yesterday.
Kind of a big one too.
It was Dec. 11, 2011.
The one year anniversary of my mom's passing.
I wasn't sure how the day would go.
But, I actually felt quite relieved.
I made it. A whole year without my mom.
I didn't waste away from all the grief. I didn't die from
all the pain. I have gotten up off my knees.
I survived her loss.
For this reason, I felt a huge sigh of relief.
I didn't know what I would do for Christmas this year.
What kind of card to send out? Should I write the annual
Christmas letter? Would I even have anything worth writing?
Well, it turned out that I did.
I used Christmas as a way to remember my mom.
I put a picture of her and the kids on the front of the
homemade Christmas card this year. I wrote a letter about
how I saw God so much this past year. And, I included the poems
called, Footprints In the Sand, Christmas In Heaven, then I
included my own, Flip Flops in Heaven.
I just hope that my family doesn't find it depressing.
I did my best; I thought it turned out quite nicely.
Guess I'll have to wait and see.
Just two more events to get through.
Christmas and New Year's.
I know that I can do it. I've built up momentum.
And God is with me. He has been all this time.
I know that He never left me.
I wish that I could say that my step-dad is doing just as well.
But, from what I've heard, he is having a hard time.
He still isn't really talking to me.
His loss.
So, I'm ready! I'm ready for Christmas. I'm ready for a New Year.
A new year, a fresh start; hopefully a year holding endless
blessings to be discovered.
Much happiness and love; many friends and family.
Yes, I'm excited!
2012...... Here I come!
Thank-you Lord! Thank-you for walking with me in the valley.
Thank-you for carrying me when I was on my knees.
Thank-you for never leaving my side. Especially in my darkest
hours. And, thank-you for showing me the light again. I love you!
Kind of a big one too.
It was Dec. 11, 2011.
The one year anniversary of my mom's passing.
I wasn't sure how the day would go.
But, I actually felt quite relieved.
I made it. A whole year without my mom.
I didn't waste away from all the grief. I didn't die from
all the pain. I have gotten up off my knees.
I survived her loss.
For this reason, I felt a huge sigh of relief.
I didn't know what I would do for Christmas this year.
What kind of card to send out? Should I write the annual
Christmas letter? Would I even have anything worth writing?
Well, it turned out that I did.
I used Christmas as a way to remember my mom.
I put a picture of her and the kids on the front of the
homemade Christmas card this year. I wrote a letter about
how I saw God so much this past year. And, I included the poems
called, Footprints In the Sand, Christmas In Heaven, then I
included my own, Flip Flops in Heaven.
I just hope that my family doesn't find it depressing.
I did my best; I thought it turned out quite nicely.
Guess I'll have to wait and see.
Just two more events to get through.
Christmas and New Year's.
I know that I can do it. I've built up momentum.
And God is with me. He has been all this time.
I know that He never left me.
I wish that I could say that my step-dad is doing just as well.
But, from what I've heard, he is having a hard time.
He still isn't really talking to me.
His loss.
So, I'm ready! I'm ready for Christmas. I'm ready for a New Year.
A new year, a fresh start; hopefully a year holding endless
blessings to be discovered.
Much happiness and love; many friends and family.
Yes, I'm excited!
2012...... Here I come!
Thank-you Lord! Thank-you for walking with me in the valley.
Thank-you for carrying me when I was on my knees.
Thank-you for never leaving my side. Especially in my darkest
hours. And, thank-you for showing me the light again. I love you!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Waiting for Christmas
I'm waiting for Christmas.
It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and the world
is already getting ready for the celebration of the
birth of the Christ child.
The ornaments are being stocked up, stockings hung to
be ready to buy, toys overflow every store shelf.
There are bright colors, shining lights, gay music.
And, it's not even Thanksgiving yet!
I'm not sure exactly why I'm waiting for Christmas.
I think that I'm afraid that it's going to knock me onto
my knees. I guess I think that if I'm on my guard, then I
can outwit it, and that it won't catch me unprepared. But,
grief has a way of showing up unexpectedly irregardless
of how prepared I try to be.
I still feel numb. Going through the holiday motions.
Having our family portrait taken, just like we do every year.
Getting ornaments ready for the tree.
Asking the children what they would like from Santa.
It's frustrating. I want to be happy so badly. But, some days
I can't feel anything. I honestly don't know what to make of
Christmas this year. I don't know how I feel. Maybe I'm afaid
to feel anything.
I don't think that Christmas will feel "normal" this year.
I don't think it will feel "normal" for many years to come.
I have begun a new tradition, I think. We're going to pick
a new theme each year for our Christmas tree. And, the
children will make the ornaments by hand to and decorate
the tree.
But, then again, who am I kidding? Starting a hundred new
traditions won't stop my pain. It won't make me forget that
my mom is no longer here with us. It won't stop that
aching feeling in my stomach that is from grief stirring
itself up again.
Here I sit, waiting for Christmas. I wait for what is supposed
to be one of the happiest days of the year. Yet, I feel no
excitement, no joy, nothing.
Well, maybe not nothing. I do have a flicker of light.
A small flame of hope that lives on inside of myself.
Maybe this flicker will be nurtured into a large, bright,
fire. A fire that would allow my joy, love, compassion,
happiness, and love to overflow. Now, this would be a
wonderful Christmas gift. In the meantime, I'll be
waiting. For Christmas.
It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and the world
is already getting ready for the celebration of the
birth of the Christ child.
The ornaments are being stocked up, stockings hung to
be ready to buy, toys overflow every store shelf.
There are bright colors, shining lights, gay music.
And, it's not even Thanksgiving yet!
I'm not sure exactly why I'm waiting for Christmas.
I think that I'm afraid that it's going to knock me onto
my knees. I guess I think that if I'm on my guard, then I
can outwit it, and that it won't catch me unprepared. But,
grief has a way of showing up unexpectedly irregardless
of how prepared I try to be.
I still feel numb. Going through the holiday motions.
Having our family portrait taken, just like we do every year.
Getting ornaments ready for the tree.
Asking the children what they would like from Santa.
It's frustrating. I want to be happy so badly. But, some days
I can't feel anything. I honestly don't know what to make of
Christmas this year. I don't know how I feel. Maybe I'm afaid
to feel anything.
I don't think that Christmas will feel "normal" this year.
I don't think it will feel "normal" for many years to come.
I have begun a new tradition, I think. We're going to pick
a new theme each year for our Christmas tree. And, the
children will make the ornaments by hand to and decorate
the tree.
But, then again, who am I kidding? Starting a hundred new
traditions won't stop my pain. It won't make me forget that
my mom is no longer here with us. It won't stop that
aching feeling in my stomach that is from grief stirring
itself up again.
Here I sit, waiting for Christmas. I wait for what is supposed
to be one of the happiest days of the year. Yet, I feel no
excitement, no joy, nothing.
Well, maybe not nothing. I do have a flicker of light.
A small flame of hope that lives on inside of myself.
Maybe this flicker will be nurtured into a large, bright,
fire. A fire that would allow my joy, love, compassion,
happiness, and love to overflow. Now, this would be a
wonderful Christmas gift. In the meantime, I'll be
waiting. For Christmas.
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